01/01/22 01:05 p.m.
The greatest self-inflicted pain I can ever put myself through is the slow and arduous process of dashing the very same hope I created out of nothing. The feeling of emptiness that comes almost immediately after is one that is all too familiar, but yet, still all too lonely.
That perches in the soul -
And sings the tune without the words -
And never stops - at all -
And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard -
And sore must be the storm -
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm -
I’ve heard it in the chillest land -
And on the strangest Sea -
Yet - never - in Extremity,
It asked a crumb - of me.
"Hope" is the thing with feathers - Emily Dickinson
But I suppose there is really a fine line between being realistically hopeful and inflating yourself with imaginary hope. Sometimes, hope - be it real or fake, we will all need it just so that we can get past the day.
"The hardest part about life is not the journey that we have to walk, but it is getting past today" my prof shared. In hindsight, what he said is true. These days, my days have been purely filled up with work, and with every breathing moment that I would have, I just want to sleep. I love the work that I am doing though, it invigorates me, even though the learning curve is really steep. But because it challenges me, squeezes my brain juices, I feel that there are always things for me to figure out and knots for me to untie. The best part is that I love how I always have to go head-on with reality. Not to even mention the people - the people here are warm, pleasant, and all-around lovely. There isn't really anything else that I am lacking in life - really.
As I am writing this, I will be taking some time off later in the afternoon to cycle to my nearest beach to enjoy the sea breeze and also to do beach clean-up. The previous time I was there I managed to accumulate an entire rice bag full of trash. My family has been collecting rice bags since mid-September last year, just so that I will be able to use them for beach clean-ups. Slowly and steadily, I have been using them up, one by one. Of course, this will never be enough. And is there a faster way to clean up the beach? For sure. But why am I still doing this? I suppose it is largely because whenever I do this, it raises awareness to the beachgoers - especially the younger ones. Beyond that, I also feel that I am offsetting my own plastic footprints, especially for those single-use plastics that I have used since I was born. I need to be accountable for them.
