A Jar of Hearts

 5/2/21 10:20 p.m.

I love friends who make you laugh like there is no tomorrow, friends whose text messages you can hear, friends who make you feel so comfortable in your skin, even though there is Abby, Betty, or Cathy sitting on your forehead (iykyk). 

They are the ones I can truly be myself, sure, they can judge me sometimes and say that I am weird. But deep down, we all know that if I am not weird, we wouldn't even be friends. So, in our dictionaries, we decide to call it unique. 

Some of my friends make me feel unbelievably supported, understood, and protected, that whenever we meet up it is nothing but positive vibes and energy. Keep these friends close to your heart and never let them go and never let them get hurt. They are the keepers. With them, time flies, but honestly who's counting. With them, there can be comfortable silence. With them, it is the only time I can possibly have 8-abs through pure incessant laughter. 

There is no need to hide, no need to pretend, no need to be who you are not. There are no expectations, no standards, no pressure. In the dark sky, they make me shine the brightest because they bring out the best of me. And it is only fair for me to only give them the best of me. 

"There are friends, there is family, there are friends who become family." 

And it has been my greatest blessing that I have friends who are like family. 

(Taken Pre-COVID)

Dear Ms Wong,

4/29/21 7:02 a.m.

Do you remember when I talked to you about how frustrating it is to be at home when nobody understands you? It was tough trying to keep everything together when you get questions like 'why are you so stressed out?' and responses like 'you should be more like your sibling, take things easy'. When you are young, wild, and rebellious, you take everything to offense, whether or not the intentions are well. You told me that you understood where I was coming from and that you were like me once. Slamming the door because you just couldn't stand being in the same living space as your parents. But at the end of the day, you said that you started regretting it when you grew older.

These days, I was lamenting the fact that I am turning 20. I have been living on Earth for 2 decades and I possibly have 6 more decades to go. That would have been an overstatement judging from the life expectancy rates these days. But the main point is that while I am growing older, it didn't occur to me that my parents are growing older as well. And this rather blatant and straightforward fact jumped at me yesterday. Somehow and someway, while I was counting my age, I literally pressed the stop button for my parents. I am struggling to comprehend that my Dad is reaching his big 5 soon. I am rather upset at how incompetent I am currently in terms of my contribution to the household. I know exactly what you are going to say. I need to learn everything I can in my final years in university and I have my entire lifetime to repay them and ensure that they will have a good life ahead of them. And you mark my words, I will do just that.

It is just the pressure and reality sinking in that if I want my Dad to retire early, I need to start taking more ownership and to make wiser and better decisions in how I want to steer my life.

These days I have been missing you a lot. I think back, fondly, on those days we spend together in the kitchen, with Kenny and Aloysius. It has been 3 years since we last saw you and I hope, we hope that you have been well and living your best. Your teachings never fail to stay relevant and I always hold them to my heart, dearly.

Love,

Hui

I fear.

2/23/21 11:38 a.m.

Today’s world is becoming progressively interlinked, fuelling the flow of tangible and intangible resources (youmatter, 2020, para. 1). While there is still a place for patriotism, extreme patriotism — nationalism, in contrast, is not important in today's world. By viewing nationalism as an “ideology based on the premise that the individual’s loyalty and devotion to the nation-state surpass other individual or group interests” (Kohn, 2020), this article discusses the expired importance of nationalism on the premise that it inhibits advancements towards global goals and fragmentises societies. 

Nationalism delays humankind’s advancements towards sustainable development goals that require global partnerships. Nationalism breeds parochialism, curating an impression that we should care only about local problems, forgetting the big picture. Nationalists prioritize their self-interests above the greater good. From the drowning of Aylan Kurdi (Smith, 2015) to US leaving the Paris agreement (McGrath, 2020), tackling global issues cannot wait, but not everyone thinks the same. Not Nationalists. Being an outspoken individual, I always use Instagram to raise awareness. With the rise of slacktivism during Covid-19 (Zamre, 2020), my social media feed was flooded with peers sharing social issues. Amidst the spotlight on the inequality faced by migrant workers, I discussed the issue of child labour and got dissed for raising it. “Shouldn’t you care more about what’s happening here?” (Leong, HL, personal communication, March 20, 2020)

Caring about global and local issues should not be mutually exclusive because “the whole world is our backyard” (Evans, 2016, 13:10). While education is able to change the narrative by encouraging students to see beyond our borders, its effectiveness relies on Professors, like yourself to spark and guide in-class discussions for students to see themselves as global citizens and their potential to be change-makers.

Moreover, Nationalism weakens our social fabric by stirring anti-immigrant sentiments. Nationalists adopt the "us-versus-them" narrative and view globalization as “a zero-sum game” (Gladding, 2018), creating a societal rift. Having personally encountered Singaporeans shunning away from migrant workers, this manifestation can be dated back to the 2008’s Not-In-My-Backyard syndrome (Ng, 2020) and the 2013’s Little India riots, highlighting how nationalism is widening the rift as the world continues experiencing “time-space compression” (Harvey, 1990).  

Globalization is unstoppable for countries like Singapore, therefore, viewing oneself as a national citizen before a global citizen is dangerous. Countries are drivers of global changes. But nationalism forces humankind to turn against themselves, losing its very importance in today’s globalized world.  

Be at the Top

12/26/20 12:33 a.m.

Let them be. Let them flaunt. Let them strut. Let them do whatever hell they want. It is what it is. 

Focus on getting better, if you refuse to co-exist, you be better, you be stronger, you be smarter. You have seen only the tip of the iceberg and I am pretty sure this is not the worst of it yet. I have no idea when it will come, but you better sure that you are prepared for it. Expect that it will come, these people you will meet will scare you, anger you, but promise me you will try to make peace and work cohesively together first. When things get ugly, hold yourself together, you have done your best and you did what you could. No hard feelings. You have choices and decisions, choose wisely and, follow through without regret.

Being ambitious is good but being out and open exposes your weakness, hold on to yourself, and don't crumble under pressure and expectations. You are better than that. Learn to listen to your inner non-conscious mind, follow your gut feelings.

Survive the next 6 months and, make the best out of it. Life should be more than just surviving. 

A note to self 1.0

Dear Hui Ling, 

Things may seem tough but I assure you that things will get better. There will be times where you feel like crying, sure, go ahead and let it all out. Know very clearly who you are as a person and what exactly do you stand for. Go for opportunities where every single part of you feels so strongly for, otherwise, take a step back and reconsider. Don't rush into things without thinking because I assure you, you will regret it. Choose the right people to lean on and do not be afraid to be vulnerable and to be who you are. 

Ride the waves and take it all in. It will be more therapeutic than you think.

Much love,

Hui

Whose Truth?

11/22/2020 11.33 p.m.

Is your truth the truth? If yes, then is my truth the truth? So now, whose truth is the truth? 

We choose to see things the way we see them and that becomes our truth. But is that necessarily the truth? I am afraid not.

We are living in our own warped dimension and we see things under our own lens and our own tinted glasses. Honestly, there is no truth in this world. Stories are twisted every single time you tell them to different people. The past is not really the past anymore. You change the narrative of your future much more than you can imagine. The only constant is the present because the present is present. 

And so if that's the case, why am I allowing my truth to affect me on levels that I cannot seem to explain, especially now that I am aware that my truth is really not the truth.

It is a mountain of assumptions, predictions, lame-ass scientific explanations, smart-alec type of reasonings and most important of all-the cherry on top? My insecurities. 

Just felt like typing

11/03/2020 07:30 p.m.

There have many moments where I opened up a blank draft, wanting to sound out my thoughts because just sometimes, the world is too noisy and there is just no space for me, my voice, and my opinions. But, that's alright. It really does not matter, but when things start to get suffocating and I feel like the entire world is against me and I feel like I am alone in this fight. I get restless and uncertain. 

In a blink of an eye, I am reaching the end of a semester, so many things happened and I met so many people. My life has not yet changed drastically but, it has definitely become more eventful. With AIESEC, I have met so many people from around the world and I have had the chance to speak to Youths from other countries like Japan, Indonesia, the Philippines, and Vietnam. 

"The world is so small" is always a statement that is in synchronous with the growth of technology. But I really felt the end of the spectrum only now. I have been talking and connecting with people from Vietnam, from Vietnam, from Indonesia, and from the Philippines. I can proudly say that I have friends beyond Singapore now. Other than getting to know their everyday lives, we talk about dreams and aspirations. It is extremely heartwarming to hear from them and their stories. Hearing from what they have to say and the impact that they want to leave on this world that we all live in, I, too, ought to do better than whatever I am doing. No, this is not a competition, but I feel that we are all motivating each other to become a better person and to change the world in our own little ways. 

I decided to run for LCVP for oGX in AIESEC in SMU, there are many reasons why I decided to do so, but mostly so driven by the potential that I see in AIESEC. AIESEC makes me want to do better and most importantly, be better. I submitted my package just 2 days ago and I will be having my interview and elections this coming Thursday. I am scared but I am not going to let that affect how I carry myself and how I want others to see me and view me. 

Amidst all of these, I had a chat with the Founder of an enterprise I am volunteering in currently. He is one rare human, I must say. He made me feel both hopeful and hopeless at the same time. He shared with me some troubles that the enterprise has and how they are really restricting so many more things he can do and so much more impact he can bring about, beyond Singapore, specifically with regards to the sex workers overseas, in Indonesia. For the longest of time, social issues overseas are issues that I discuss so much with my peers and friends all the time but it has always been the case where we can only talk about them, but not do anything about them because it is always "not within our capacity to do anything about them". However, talking to him and hearing about what he intends to do for them genuinely shocked me because he really just gave me a tight slap out of my disillusioned self, popped my bubble, and woke me up. "I can never take cannot for an answer when nothing is being done. I will need to do it and see before seeing whether I can or cannot myself." 

When they said everyone has the potential to be a hero/shero, they weren't kidding about it. I feel empowered and powerful on a very personal level. I feel that the weight of the world is on me. But I don't think I am the only one who is feeling this way. In fact, I hope that more people can feel that way because everyone has the potential to lift people up, really. 

But this dug up a lot of concerns and worries and there are many things that are on my mind right now. I feel uncertain and distraught. But I feel even more uncomfortable thinking this way because does it even make any sense for me to feel this way? Isn't this what I have always been wanting to work towards? Then why am I having so many second thoughts about this? I haven't been talking to anyone really for the past week or so, and I think I am just drowning myself in my own thoughts. I feel like talking to someone just to hear what they have to say, from an objective point of view, when my semester ends, I will do just that, but for now, I know I need to focus right now and do what I need to do first because I am responsible for my actions and I need to be liable for them right now.