When I have everything

02/26/2020 7:40 p.m.

I think this is how humans work:

I want something. I get something.

This continues, back and forth, not mutually exclusive and not uni-directional but bi-directional.

It can be:

I want something. I get something.
I get something. I want something.

If you take 'I want something' as stage x and 'I get something' as stage z, the process of one transitioning from stage x to stage z differs from person to person and differs from what exactly that thing is. I have come to terms with the fact that we, humans, cannot satisfy ourselves. After fulfilling a need, there comes another need. After satisfying a want, comes another want. So, if we were to use our needs and wants to define happiness, happiness becomes an extremely abstract concept, because then, technically we will never ever be able to experience happiness, even till the day, we lie in our coffins, with white flowers scattered around our deathbed.

Insatiable greed. Insatiable needs. Insatiable wants.

Before my national examinations ended, I was dearly hoping for the day it will all end and I envision myself experiencing the unfamiliar sense of freedom like my first time seeing a shooting star or my first time swimming in an open ocean. I wanted it to end so badly. I needed it to end to save my own sanity.

Then, came the day when it really ended. Um, la libertad ?

Nope, I took no break and went to work, immediately. I worked at a restaurant in the first 2.25 months of my holidays but I started thinking about how I need to find and get another job, hopefully, an internship to enrich my soul. Life at the restaurant becomes extremely repetitive and stagnant after a while, the only constant was probably the people that I meet and serve, but even then, some of them are the same. So I applied for roughly 25 open jobs that I am able to qualify for (to this date) and luckily for me, there were about 10 that got back to me. The margins are insane but c'mon, who would want to employ someone like me, with literally no actual qualifications, no diploma, no degree. Amidst of the coronavirus, I quitted working as a part-time service crew and took up my second job as an intern to learn more about the logistics, e-commerce industry and to avoid interactions with tourists. Afterall, it is better to be safe than to be sorry. Well, I mean I can get infected with the virus for all I care, but I do not want to drag my family down into this abyss with me and burden them with a virus that can realistically cost their lives. Everyone of us has a responsibility not only to account for ourselves but also to our family, whether we like it or not.

Then I realise, perhaps it is not that humans can never be satisfied. But because we need to move on, we need to advance, we need to evolve, which is why our needs and wants seem never-ending and insatiable. Happiness is a state of mind, it is not a case whether it is reachable or not. I can experience happiness even if I do not get what I want.

“Happiness is not determined by what’s happening around you, but rather what’s happening inside you. Most people depend on others to gain happiness, but the truth is, it always comes from within.” - Anonymous

For if we think that happiness and our unquenchable desire are two separate entity, that are independent of each other, then there will not be a situation where we will have to compromise either of them. So, if I keep telling myself that if I get this or that, I will experience happiness, then I can never truly experience happiness because that something becomes the variable. I will then have to continuously move from stage x to stage z to make myself happy. Happiness is overrated.

I think many people have mistaken this relationship, which is why they are unhappy.
And to them, they are telling themselves that the only way to become happier is to get this, get that, do this, do that. Hopefully, they will be at peace with themselves, sooner or later.

Meanwhile, I will continue to find peace within myself. The balance that I believe I wholeheartedly need in the long run for my sanity.


xzxzxz disclaimer: clearly i can be wrong and i think this theory that i talked about above will definitely be subjected to changes, just because i change, you, the one who is reading changes xzxzxz