The End of the 22"

31/12/22 11:17 p.m.

This year was a significantly difficult year. It was full of challenges and never was it once easy for me - either by luck or by choice. There are many "immediate feedback" moments for the decisions that I have made. I experienced many feelings this year, from a head-shaking form of regret to heart-breaking pain and hurt, that is difficult to just forget. I felt humiliated and embarrassed in front of my peers. And I felt misrepresented and misunderstood - sometimes I am left with no room for clarification and other times, I have a strong group of support lifting me up when I am in my own abyss of darkness. As much as all the other forms of feelings, I, too, felt overwhelming waves of happiness, calmness, and joyfulness. And beyond that, I have strengthened my competitive spirit, allowed my innate curiosity to glow, and never held back on thinking critically about anything and everything. 

2022 in Summary

I ended my 6 months internship with BLX in June, with various sustainability-related customer engagement, warehouse studies and researching, and decarbonization solutions designing, evaluating, piloting, & deploying. The day after, I flew to Bangkok, Thailand for a 2-3 months internship with IVL. I was met with a steep learning curve while I explored sustainability in the chemical industry. Guided by the best experts in the field, I was learning so much beyond my days and I was constantly absorbing existing knowledge from my mentors, learning new things every single day about my work, about the country, and of course, sharpening my Thai conversational language. I left Bangkok, the land of smiles, with a heavy heart back to Singapore and deep-dived straight back into my studies for the semester. Armoured with hard questions I want to unravel during the semester, my professors helped a lot. Missing my straight As did not hit me as hard as before anymore. I believe that I outgrew the phase of "grades are everything", but was still glad that I managed to pull up my GPA. 2 days after, I went to my hometown, Ipoh for a winter exchange programme and came back just 2 weeks ago. And now I am here.

Key Moments of Growth (that I remember)

1. To not force myself to fit into any friend group overseas. I found myself naturally gravitating to where knowledge is at, in Bangkok. And I found myself just trying to be unapologetically myself and do what I want without trying to fit socially anywhere in Malaysia.
2. To not beat myself up when I got a B+ for one of my modules. The younger 'me' would have done just that, unfortunately. But the amount of knowledge that I have gotten from my professors this semester is incomparable and this semester might be one of my most beloved semesters because of how much I had learnt.
3. To actively seek out for criticisms and feedback to improve myself. To be so focused on becoming better as an employee and to grow and improve all for the betterment of my organization is a habit I slowly realized - whether is it in BLX, IVL, or SE. But this habit is only pronounced in places where I see that Newton's Third Law holds.
4. Taking on meetings with big customers, or presenting myself in front of important stakeholders who are key in driving my projects. I became better at communicating electronically, as well as, physically. Being able to initiate and continue any conversations with literally anyone on any formal occasion.
5. To be able to truly enjoy the mood, the atmosphere, and the present during my time in Malaysia. Brought back memories of when Dave reminded me to stop and smell the roses. I have been packing myself with back-to-back schedule because time and tide really wait for no man. And to say the least, I am tired. I am not burnt out but I would want to take a break to focus on my existing relationships and connections. When you are all about that grind, the people around you, all your "-ships" suffer. To really understand and breathe into the importance of taking a break was a huge thing for me this year.
6. To put my guard down to let her into my heart and my life. And to acknowledge how bad am I at communicating my emotions and feelings, and how bad of a human I am whenever I choose to take the easy way out. But now, instead of choosing the easy way out, I know I am supported to be able to take on reality, to keep working things out, and to be able to improve myself better at loving

WCBB (what could have been better)

1. I want to plan my time better and have the default time to spend with my family and her (weekly) and friends (monthly). I want to stick to planned meetings better and if I will not be able to ensure that I will make it, I should not commit to the meeting. In essence, I want to have a drop in the frequency of me re-scheduling/rain checking/cancelling last time.
2. I want to be more intentional with my thoughts and to live with a heart full of gratitude. I want to start tracking my negative emotions and start celebrating small wins. I want to know how to improve my behaviour and to be a better human to the people around me and to society. I want to be more consistent with reflecting on my week and to have monthly check-ins about my performance with my manager and colleagues:
• what I have learnt, and what I want to learn more
• what happened, what went well, and what could have been better
• 3 things I am grateful for that day/week
3. I want to stick through to my decisions made and not waver through them. I want to not lose my focus (similar to 1.) and my drive to finish the noted deliverables. In a similar vein, I want to be able to do well at SE and to step out of my comfort zone and to learn the most out of this experience. I want to challenge myself by doing all these things I have never done before and also to keep practising and getting better at my craft of sustainability integration and development.
4. I want to be more consistent with running, football, and gyming, with at least 3 times per week. I felt myself becoming weaker in strength for the last 2-3 months of the year, and I want to challenge myself - what if I remain consistent throughout the entire year? I hope to answer this question at the end of 2023.
5. I want to love better and be a better partner-in-crime, a better supporter, a better team player, a better lover, and a better best friend to you (I know you are reading this, sharkie). 
6. To be trained-confident, which means I should know what and why I can be confident in myself. Not just being confident at anything and everything in general, but putting in the effort and the grind to ensure that I am able to be confident in myself for the subject matter (i.e., project, leading the group). 

Shoutout to the amazing people I was with this year

Everyone at BLX, IVL, SE, whom I have met, worked with, and exchanged conversations with! Cheers to my BKK buddies and my MY pals who were there with me overseas. My seniors, juniors, groupmates I have met throughout my schooling years in NC, VJ, and SMU. The people I connected with via LN - Michael Riley, P'Aom. All the CU AIESECers I have connected with. All the professionals, experts, and people in the sustainability/logistics field who had dropped their golden nuggets of advice here and there during conferences and events that I have been to. My family who had supported me through this tough year. Kenny for all of your support and advice. And of course, Sharkie, for all of you!

Always blessed with the beings and I want to bless other beings even more. Do well and do good. 

Cheers to another tough, long year of challenging, growing, crying, celebrating, and learning. Heart strong, Mind stronger.

Rookie for life,

Hui