Tired

 08/18/24 01:24 p.m.

I think I need to be patient and be clear of the goals I have in mind.

I don't think I am burnt out per se, I think I am seeing a very bleak near-term future. Perhaps, this is why it is causing me much anxiety - that I don't see progress or that the progress is impeded in the future. I don't know how I can take action when it is a cycle or otherwise timing issue. That the people here are not ready for what is to come. How can we accelerate that? How can we move the hands on the clock arbitrarily? Maybe in my first 5 years, I could focus on, as much as I hate it, science-based communications or perhaps more like engineering-based communications. Without an engineering background, I need learn double harder or more than others who have a background in energy systems, for instance. Maybe it will be this communications that would move the needle? The "I will say it first". And I have a lot of "I will say it first" moments. But I guess I will end up with the same narrative. There are so many papers, so many publications out there, writing another one will just contribute to the noise or if someone picks this up 10 years down. I don't know... who lives, who dies, who tells your story... I guess the only difference that I am pursuing for is not honour but for action. I don't know how long do I need to see something. Am I even doing anything? Am I doing anything helpful? Am I doing something important? What is the vision? What are the goals? WHAT AM I DOING?

This hurts. But I am frustrated. What am I trying to achieve? How long do I need? Why do I feel so confused, bleak, and negative? I woke up today, feeling hopeful that perhaps I just need to stay optimistic and hopeful. But it really did not take a few waking hours, for me to fall back into my constant loop of frustration and uselessness.

 I know I just need to stay positive and optimistic. But I think I can't be just mindlessly positive and optimistic. There must be reasonable grounds why I think there is still hope. That there is still a reason to fight for. And I have to find this reason fast. I need to get out of this rut very soon.