Settle down

05/23/2020 09:23 p.m.

I finally settled my heart down. And by that, what I mean is that I stopped thinking about all the unforeseeable things that might happen to me in the future. Ironic because you technically cannot predict what you cannot predict. But that is exactly what we are capable of, isn't it? A brilliant mind to think about all sorts of "pathways" that we could choose to take in our entire lifetime.

Thinking is good. Not overthinking though. 

This brings me back to settling down. Fortunately, I am no longer overthinking these few weeks. I am pretty sure that it will come back and haunt me. But, I have learnt to commend myself for even the smallest achievements. I am proud of myself for always trying to re-charge my own emotional battery when it is less than 10%, no matter how hard it seems. I decided to trust myself, trust my plans and trust my own instincts. I decided to take heart and have faith in myself. I decided to invest in and bet on myself. 

I gave myself time to work on myself because I am definitely not someone who can work without a plan in general. But I don't think that means coming up with an insane number of plans from A to Z. But I believe it is more of coming up with a realistic number of plans that I will definitely stick with in the long run. Not plans that are flimsy or are ever-changing based on my mood because that will just worsen my anxiety. However, this does not mean that the plans are rigid, there must definitely be a certain degree of flexibility. 

After that was done, fixing my mentality was next. I told myself and I am still telling myself that that was it. I just need to trust what I came up with because I know exactly what is best for myself and what I am capable of. This self-confidence might crumble on bad days, which is why on good days, it is important to strengthen the foundation, fix it and brace it. 

I need to focus on getting better than the previous versions of myself before I can do anything else. (Note: not about comparing yourself with other people, but with yourself)

The question for all of us currently is  "do we have what it takes?", but the question for the future us will definitely be "is the world ready for us?". And that is on positivity and confidence. 

Hope you find some comfort (motivation?) reading this and for sure, you ain't alone in the journey you are in. While you are all sad, moody and emotional, remember to look up and around. There are people looking out for you and there are people there for you. Don't be too blindsided by what you are experiencing to forget all the blessings and all the good things you have. 

Forever a work in progress,

Work hard, Stay Humble.

xoxo, Hui

When the world Sleeps

05/14/2020 06:13 p.m.

You see, the thing is the world never sleeps. When the night falls, I like to peer out of my window to look at the quiet night sky, imagining what someone else would be doing at the other side of the earth at the exact same moment. I imagine that someone to be a he or a she, an artist, an actor, a singer, a counsellor,  a lady boss, a soldier, a diver or an athlete... I imagine what would happen to me 5 years from now, a fresh graduate, just out of university. Where will I be? The exact, same place where I spent more than half of my life or somewhere out there? Will I be able to be the change I hope to see the world? Will I be able to take on the world, the way I want exactly? Will I be able to leave my mark? Will people be able to remember my name for the right reasons when I pass on?

Everyone has 86400 seconds every single day and when the time runs out, we cannot get it back anymore. We cannot buy it back, we cannot do anything to get it back. There is this movie I watched a long time ago, it is called About Time (2013), written and directed by Richard Curtis. What the main character, Tim Lake said near the end of the movie is this and I quote: "The truth is, I now don't travel back at all. Not even for the day. I just try to live every day as if I've deliberately come back to this one day to enjoy it as if it was the full final day of my extraordinary, ordinary life." He lived every day like it is his last.

Meanwhile, there is me. Stressing about all the things you can possibly stress in the world when I know for sure, that nothing, nothing will change even if I stress about it. Learning how not to stress about the things I cannot control is an art. There are 7.8 billion people in the world as of May 2020 and there are bound to be people who are better than you but the main point is to not compare. This quote rounds it up perfectly: "Don't compare your life to others. There's no comparison between the sun and the moon because they shine when it's their time." It is just not the time yet, what I can do is to work hard, stay humble and have an overwhelming amount of faith and belief in this process, in my process. When that happens, you are investing in yourself and in your future.

Every minute you spend wishing you had someone else's life is a minute spent wasting yours. ~ Aditya Bhavsar 

Be Confident. Too many days are wasted comparing ourselves to others and wishing to be something we aren't. Everybody has their own strengths and weaknesses, and it is only when you accept everything you are and everything you aren't that you will truly succeed in life. ~ Ritu Ghatourey

Do not compare yourself to others. You have a unique destiny and mission that only you can accomplish. ~ Mariane Pearl

As embarrassed as I am, I am guilty of spending an unhealthy amount of time, every once and then, comparing myself with the people around me. Circuit breaker makes everything worse because I am left with so much time to think negatively and so much time to insult the medals around my neck and the effort I put in everything because I am using others as my benchmark. But, that is not good. I know that deep down within me and that I know for sure. Fixing my mindset is important because I will end up impeding myself, and that is just pathetic. I am not going to put myself under duress to change, instead, I am going to take it easy. I will remind myself consistently until it is ingrained in me. It is a process and it is worth it because what comes out of all of this is my mental health.


Focus on yourself and nothing else because your mindset is precious and matters.

Always a work in progress,
xoxo, Hui

Truth

05/04/2020 02:11 p.m.

This circuit breaker has been testing my limits to a whole new level. It opened up raw and real emotions, which are things I really do not want to deal with currently. My emotions overwhelm me on new levels and sometimes, they are just too much for me to handle. Circuit breaker took away something so precious to me and probably to everyone out there in the world. The right to be free. The right to do whatever hell you want to do. And to a certain extent, the right to define your own truth.

For someone whose life is so intertwined with sports, this circuit breaker is really taking a toll on my physical and mental health. I miss the feeling of running around my neighborhood. Working from home can be a dream come true for many and for me, definitely to a certain extent. But the stress that comes from not only work but life, in general, is taking over me and thoughts are flooding into my mind like a broken dam. For me, running tucks all of that away. When you run or do sports in general, there is only one thing and only one thing in your head: to push on to run or to score. Your mind takes a break from everything you are dealing with at the moment. While I am exploring other ways for me to deal with stress, I will continue to try to stay afloat in this quicksand for now.

Undoubtedly, this is an issue only the privileged would have. Everyone is privileged to a certain extent but whether we recognize it is another story by itself. But, that should not mean that the issues we are facing are not validated. Everyone is dealing with their own problems and issues which I feel that it would be unfair to compare. The problems that you might be facing may seem trivial to some, but they are important to you and so be it. The obstacles that you face in life cannot and should not be judged by others because it is your own inner battle with your own inner demons. This, by itself, is extremely personal and close to your heart. By trivializing someone else's issues destroys the person more than you might think. If you think that by telling someone that there are people out there in the world who are having it worse than you is going to help, think again.

I am guilty of saying things like "what is so hard?" and or "I don't get why is he/she so affected by it". What I am really doing is defining the truth for them. The truth to me is that it is not that hard and he/she should definitely not be affected by it but that is my truth. Not theirs. I fail to remember that they are dealing with their own inner battles with their own inner demons.

So, I don't think I should have judged all the people who were affected by the bubble tea shops closing because to them, their love for bubble tea is probably equivalent to my love for sports. For all we know, there are those who seek comfort and solace from drinking bubble tea. There are those who use bubble tea to cope with their stress.

Always a work in progress.
xoxo, Hui