First Fall

 01/01/22 01:05 p.m. 

The greatest self-inflicted pain I can ever put myself through is the slow and arduous process of dashing the very same hope I created out of nothing. The feeling of emptiness that comes almost immediately after is one that is all too familiar, but yet, still all too lonely. 

“Hope” is the thing with feathers -
That perches in the soul -
And sings the tune without the words -
And never stops - at all -
And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard -
And sore must be the storm -
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm -
I’ve heard it in the chillest land -
And on the strangest Sea -
Yet - never - in Extremity,
It asked a crumb - of me.

"Hope" is the thing with feathers - Emily Dickinson

But I suppose there is really a fine line between being realistically hopeful and inflating yourself with imaginary hope. Sometimes, hope - be it real or fake, we will all need it just so that we can get past the day. 

"The hardest part about life is not the journey that we have to walk, but it is getting past today" my prof shared. In hindsight, what he said is true. These days, my days have been purely filled up with work, and with every breathing moment that I would have, I just want to sleep. I love the work that I am doing though, it invigorates me, even though the learning curve is really steep. But because it challenges me, squeezes my brain juices, I feel that there are always things for me to figure out and knots for me to untie. The best part is that I love how I always have to go head-on with reality. Not to even mention the people - the people here are warm, pleasant, and all-around lovely. There isn't really anything else that I am lacking in life - really. 

As I am writing this, I will be taking some time off later in the afternoon to cycle to my nearest beach to enjoy the sea breeze and also to do beach clean-up. The previous time I was there I managed to accumulate an entire rice bag full of trash. My family has been collecting rice bags since mid-September last year, just so that I will be able to use them for beach clean-ups. Slowly and steadily, I have been using them up, one by one. Of course, this will never be enough. And is there a faster way to clean up the beach? For sure. But why am I still doing this? I suppose it is largely because whenever I do this, it raises awareness to the beachgoers - especially the younger ones. Beyond that, I also feel that I am offsetting my own plastic footprints, especially for those single-use plastics that I have used since I was born. I need to be accountable for them. 

Going into the new year of 2022, I would say celebrations of such traditionally festive occasion is becoming increasingly overrated. Rather than marking these as milestones, I think I should focus more on the crossroads of my life and mark those as milestones. Nonetheless, 2021 is the ultimate year of change in the field of sustainability, there has been exceptional focus and attention given to sustainable development. And from the bottom of my heart, I would very much think that this is a realistic hope for the future. 

Things might be tough, but I am tougher. Heart strong, mind stronger. 

Rookie for life,

Hui

人生的转角

二零二一年十二月十六号 半弯九点十七分

“人生最过瘾的因为他有很多转角，有的转角很惊险，有的转角又充满惊喜，是惊喜、还是惊险？不走过去当然不会知道下一个转角你会遇到什么。转交充满了故事，不管是在人生旅途上，还是拥挤的街头，也许是你的，也许是我的，因此我喜欢转角。

我们遇见过一些人，他们却只是生命中的匆匆过客而已，去了也就过了；我们也错过一些人，不知道错过他们是否是种遗憾，毕竟已经错过了；爱，会在什么时候，以什么方式出现？这个问题永远没有既定的答案；但是，我们要相信，无论何时何地，一定会有个适合的人在那里等着你；我们总是沿着幸福的地图，寻找着爱情的终点，纵然道路不是那么平坦；倘若爱在转角处出现，请倍加珍惜，因为那是一种轮回了几个世纪才有的交集；我们在行走见等待，在转角遇到爱。 在交往中相知相爱，最终相伴到永远。“ - 秦朗

一个人的整个人生到底会有几个转角？到底是天意还是在自己掌控之中呢？我能够预测到吗？转角的时候，我会发现到吗？这些问题看似非常的复杂，想必我长大后会有所领悟。但是现在的我，也只能够继续摸索人生，可能我就会学会看淡红尘。

爸爸得了冠状病毒的时候，那可能是我一整年坠落到最低潮的时刻。我那时候想我应该没有任何比这件事更糟糕了吧。所以现在一切的一切，跟那一次相对比起来，真的不算是什么。在生死关头，其实别的忧愁都不算是什么了。人生苦短 - 如此的苦涩，如此的短暂。

万一下一个转角比这一个更糟糕，更凄惨，更懊恼... 说真的，我经得住吗...？

- 卉

She said

20/10/21 01:53 p.m. 

She said, "You have done it before. You can do it again."

My chest tightened. And I teared up. 

Dr Jane Goodall

 29/09/21 11:16 p.m. 

She said that she heard and saw how young people around the world are in despair and are frustrated with how the world is right now. She told all of them was to not give up hope. Where to start? Most would question her. 

"Locally. Think globally, act locally." She said, with much conviction. Before we take on the world, we can start small, within ourselves and extend it to the people around us and slowly nationally and then internationally. 

One of the panelists mentioned how we will not be able to restore earth anymore but at least we can prevent it from getting worse. And for this, Dr. Jane backtracked and emphasized that nature is very much restorative, all it needs is some time and some help. At the age of 87 years old, she has seen how resilient nature is, how it has been destroyed and regenerated. I knew she wasn't saying that, just for the sake of saying that. She truly meant it. Every single word. 

The beauty of it all, I believe, is that even as she spoke, her eyes still twinkle with the same passion and love as I have seen through the various documentaries, interviews, and films she was featured in. 

Beyond her work in biodiversity, I think something that really struck me as an individual is her pure will and persistence. When she started her study in chimpanzees, many established professors struck her down for using "unscientific" ways of researching and basically discrediting her efforts, work, and results generated through her tireless observations. To that, she just commented that they can do it their way but well, for her, she will still continue to do it HER WAY. 

That. Sheer. Power. I-

I am pretty sure she defied the gender norms and stereotypes back in the 60s. Females like her, women like her, they are the ones who paved the way for the rest of us to trudge on forward. I heard her name growing up and for myself, to be able to meet her, albeit, through a screen/a webinar, it was more than inspirational. I am hopeful, and I will always be, from now onwards. 

Thoughts into Actions

22/08/21 06:03p.m. 

I went for a 2-day beach clean-up as part of the #SeasTheDay2.0. I had a lot of revelations and many things that I have come to understand. The following will probably be the very breakdown of the thoughts I had and the feelings I felt.

It was my first time participating in a beach clean-up. I always understood the importance of how our daily consumption and decision-making do affect marine life and the ecosystem below water. It is a no-brainer that everything is interlinked from what we do on land to what happens to our water bodies. But "out of sight, out of mind" is truly our public enemy #1!!!!

On the first day of the beach clean-up, one of the facilitators mentioned that the uncle just cleaned up the area so, we might not be able to pick up much trash. However, I would say or as would anyone would say, the work never ends. Perhaps by scanning from afar, the beach area will look very much pleasant and clean. But if you were to really do a double-take, you will start you realize a few things that will stand out right at you: the white, micro-sized styrofoam spotting the entire area, the small plastic wrappers that are half covered by sand, the random white or brown-end cigarette butts just lying all along the shoreline (just to name a few). 

When we got down to work to start to collect and pick up all of the trash, it became unbearable for me because no matter how much I picked up, it seems like I barely made a dent to the area as a whole. First things first, I know that I don't need the motivation to want to continue to do what I do. Motivation, at the end of the day, is just a social construct and does not really exist. But it really tore me apart when I saw the state of the beach. It is not like there was litter everywhere but what really hurt me was that we are really just so self-destructive. And you know, it is fine if we, humans, are self-destructive but it is not fine that we decide to just drag every other creature down with us at the same time.

When we are young, we have parents and teachers protecting us. We are privileged to have a strong police force that protects each and every one of us, ensuring that our intrinsic rights as human beings will never be compromised, threatened, and disregarded. They are our very gatekeepers of the criminal justice system, upholding and enforcing rules and regulations, protecting the sanctity of life. However, life under the water is different as compared to us (clearly). They have nothing to protect themselves from the bad people who do bad things or the good people who sometimes do bad things. They don't have a last line of defense. They can't charge us, well they can't even apprehend us. They literally have nothing on us.

Thinking about that, I drew it back to the beach clean-ups. 

Sure, it feels like it will always be a work-in-progress. 

Sure, it feels like there is always more that needs to be done. 

Sure, it feels like I did nothing at all. 

I think what is important, as I have come to realize, is the fact that one small piece of trash bagged is one less trash entering the sea or one less trash getting ingested. The marine ecosystem has nobody within to fend against the ill deeds of humankind. It is only fair if we step up to be the safe keepers of life under water. I don't think what we need is a huge and dramatic action plan drafted out but we ought to focus on the small and simple decisions that we can make in our daily lives.

Another concept I have come to realize and understand is the beauty of diversity. The diversity of people. Everyone comes from different places with their own narratives and stories, which are the very foundation of their beliefs and values. But because we are all different, we have different passions, different interests, and different key focus areas. Some are interested in quality education, some are interested in gender equality, and the list goes on. In our short pathetic lifetime, it is hard to be able to achieve so many things but perhaps we don't need to. We can just focus on one SDG and there will be so many other people focusing on every other SDGs. At the end of the day, all grounds will be covered. For instance, for myself, I want to focus on how corporates can transition towards sustainability and how communities can play a part in sustainable development. So, to say the least, I have yet to really expose myself much to SDG 14: Life Under Water. #SeasTheDay2.0 has indeed been a journey for me to understand the advocacy and the awareness in this space. It is always important to understand how everything is interlinked and interconnected. Through the #SeasTheDay2.0, I met like-minded individuals, from volunteers to project leads who have been in the space for quite some time, and their sharings and perspectives kept me questioning myself what more I am able to give and value-add to the space. (People like these nourish you and will easily help you to grow and develop yourself. Mental note: put yourself out there to be able to meet more people like them.)

Before I end off, I really just want to also share something that a facilitator mentioned during the 15-minutes debrief on my second day, which struck a chord with me. 

She mentioned that sometimes volunteers will think that there are already cleaners, why then is there still a need for volunteers like us. 

I recalled the entire notion of "why me?", or to a certain extent the bystander effect. Not only do we see this on the individual level, we can also see it on the corporate level. 

Many SMEs put aside or pass on their responsibility and commitment towards sustainability onto the MNCs very conveniently. To put things into perspective, SMEs make up to 99% of all enterprises in Singapore. I mean just by looking at the sheer amount of impact they are able to bring about if each of them were to donate $1 each monthly. (220,000 SMEs = $220,000 per month (number as of April 2019))

And on the individual level, the concept of "be the change you want to see in the world" rings true. Perhaps, this might seem rather far-fetched, or completely out-of-reach. But if you were to reword it differently, you will realize that it is actually not that far off as you would think it is. Instead of "be the change you want to see in the world", it can simply be "be the change you want to see in your family" or "be the change you want to see in the younger generation".

The bottom line is that:

As long as we start, it is a win for everyone in the short run.

And if we are consistent and put in our very best every single time, it is a win for everyone in the long run. 

The experience was enlightening and I have emerged more empowered than ever.

Stay strong, stay humble, and keep learning, Hui.

Whirlpool

1/08/21 12:18 p.m. 

 

(Image from Lauren Monroe. Motion effects by rexisky.)

This image has been apt in physically expressing how I have been feeling the past week. I haven't been feeling my best. I feel out-of-the-world, nothing merely a living, breathing body, packed full of cells. I have been trying to take some time off to participate in more social activities such as using social media, catching a movie with my sibling, and watching football matches.

Life has been moving rather slowly and this just exacerbates the uneasiness that I have been feeling. I am experiencing a rather awkward calmness or peace after a long time.

The thing is I never want to settle down. I want to be challenged. I want to push myself out of my comfort zone and be uncomfortable. But I am VERY comfortable right now. It is not about taking a break or that I just want to grind away but it is about knowing that I am working on becoming better. That by itself is singlehandedly the largest reason why I am so uneasy with myself right now.

Now that I am breaking down the problem in real-time, the solution seems rather straightforward to me actually. 

If I crave challenges, I jolly well go and grab myself some challenges to fill me up. This is the 20th year I am alive, living, and breathing on this brilliant planet. Am I satisfied with my presence on earth? Maybe not yet. Till I feel that I have done enough or contributed enough for the sustenance of humankind, I don't think I will ever be satisfied.

My friends always describe me as weird or just a fish out of water. I always seem to have a determined and strong front but do I waver? Always. I feel discouraged sometimes but it is my value systems and my mindset that keeps me going on and on. 

Things that I chance upon randomly will always remind me once in a while why I decide to do what I do. For instance, I finished watching a webinar by City Developments Limited about the future of sustainability reporting yesterday. One of the panelists, Jessica Cheam (founder of Eco-Business) mentioned this one line "there are no jobs on a dead planet" from Our Planet: Our Business, which is a film for business inspired by the Netflix series Our Planet. And of course, I went ahead to watch the entire 38 minutes and 11 seconds. 

This 38 minutes and 11 seconds was probably the best 38 minutes and 11 seconds of the entire day. The people and businesses featured gave me so much hope and faith in humankind. It is possible that one day we will be able to reconcile the relationship between businesses and the planet. It is possible that one day we will be able to see the harmonious relationship between businesses and the planet. It is possible that one day we will be able to restore the ecological balance of our planet. It doesn't matter whether I live long enough to see that happening, but the fact is that it is possible, changes the whole story. What we do now is crucial to whether we can maximize the potential of all of that happening.

To have a life is to have a life that is worth it for humankind, to be living, not just surviving.

To have a purpose makes life more than just surviving.

So, are you living or just surviving, Hui?

Obsession

20/07/21 02:40 p.m. 

"You want to know what I think about you?"

"Haha, sure, I would love to hear from you."

"You will go far in life, Hui Ling. You will do well but you need to get over all of these hurdles."

I am bound to meet people who are different from me. 

I am bound to meet people whom I seemingly cannot work with.

I am bound to meet people who have different belief systems as myself. 

But the thing is, I don't need everyone to adore me. I don't need everyone to like me. I just need them to be able to work with me, willingly. I need to learn how to deal with people like that. I need to learn how to manage people like that.

"I just have 0 capacity to deal with it. I want to choose my battles, you know?"

"Sure, you can choose your battles. But, are you expanding your battlefield?"

"I-"

Then it hit me, am I really stepping outside of my comfort zone? Though the project that I am managing right now has its own fair share of obstacles and curveballs, these challenges are not foreign to me. I always thought that it is a blessing that I always have people who complement my working style around me. Now, is it really a blessing? I am depriving myself of the possibility of working with a variety of people and the chance to be able to manage people who are different from me. 

I don't want to deal with emotions because emotions are complicated. But, it is exactly because it is hard, it is complicated, it is not easy, all the more I should go for it. I should not be looking for easy.  The battles that I am choosing need to thoroughly challenge me as an individual. The battles that I am choosing need to be able to make me uncomfortable. The battles that I am choosing need to be able to make me want to pull my hair out and throw my guts out.

I want to force myself to live within the uncomfortable and to be alright with the uncomfortable. 

Because that is the only way I will learn and become better.

"Thank you, Danny."

A note to self 2.0

Dear Hui Ling,

It is okay to be impulsive once in a while. It is okay to make mendable mistakes. It is okay to feel like you are out of control, in fact, learn to be comfortable with the uncomfortable. Growth is when you feel out of control initially and then slowly regain the upperhand. 

Don't beat yourself up for things that you can't change. Heads up and look forward. Focus on finding solutions, focus on opening up different pathways for yourself, focus on growth, focus on learning, focus on becoming a better person. Focus on things you can control, rather than those that you can't. 

And remember that for every single opportunity you encounter, try your best to tap on all of them because each of them will more often than not be a space for you to learn and to grow. 

Be kind to yourself and don't be so critical of yourself. Your older self will thank you for that.

Heart strong and Mind stronger. 

Take heart,

Hui

Mandatory

12/07/21 07:52 p.m. 

A happy person will want to have a thousand things, but a hungry person will want to have only one thing — food. As we grow older, our wings harden and we should have seen much more than everything we could have ever imagined. 

But the truth of it all is that we are still very much at the tip of the iceberg. I asked Danny (53), my manager, whether he regretted anything when he was young, when he was my age. Without hesitation, he replied with a firm no. We are met with many decisions in our entire lifetime and we would never know how each pathway will end up because we will decide to choose one over the rest. So, instead of choosing one over the other, why not just do it all? Don't fear what you will face, fear what will miss.

As we grow older, we change, people change. You outgrow some friendships and that is just part and parcel of life. No biggie, really. Some people just come and go and that's alright. You have to understand that there is nothing is wrong with you, you just became not as important as you were before to some people or that some people are just not as important to you as before. 

RISE together, not AL0NE

  5/22/21 10:38 p.m.

 If the people around you are succeeding in their own ways, support and encourage them in any way possible, instead of bringing them down. Why? That's easy. 

Them succeeding has nothing on you. In this world, there is no shortage of success, but we keep on acting as though there is. As though if the people around you were to do well, they will reduce the chances of you doing well. That is such a toxic and self-centered mindset to adopt. You have nothing but envy and jealousy filling you up. And sooner or later, it will end up eating you alive. It will corrode you inside out. And when you realize it, you wouldn't be able to stop what it is doing to you internally. 

The first step is to, of course, STOP COMPARING. Knock it into your head that you are your own person, that you have your own path to chart, to make, and to go. It is very easy to lose sight of who you are and what you are doing because it gets really noisy sometimes. There will be days you feel that you don't compare to other people around you. But that's alright, you fall sometimes, we all do. The most important thing of all, as we all know, is to get right back up after you fall. So that means clearing up your headspace, re-focus, re-prioritize, and re-balance yourself. In this day and age, it is so easy to start comparing what you don't have by reflecting your peers on yourself. And I have been guilty of that recently. Until my good friend, Melvin reminded me that there is no shortage of success. He really slapped me back into reality because sometimes you are just drowning in all of your thoughts and it becomes hard for you to even acknowledge that yourself. So for the past week or so, I have been opening myself up and really re-shifting my gears. By busying myself with my internship work, AIESEC tasks, and books, I end up seeing myself in a healthier and more positive headspace. It is so important to remind myself what I truly want to achieve in the future, my life goals are the ones that ground me. 

"I will give my whole heart to you, my Earth. One day, I will travel and see the beauty of you. I will be there for you through your ups and downs. I promise I will never ever leave you or give up on you through your good, bad, and ugly. I will accumulate everything, as much as I know, to know you better, to learn how to treat you better. Hang on tight with me, Earth." 

Not to mention, the most wondrous and heartfelt moments for me are those when I feel supported by my peers unconditionally, they are the ones I know for sure, will be able to help me get through tough tides and waves. 

Life is a challenge, no doubt. There are many stages of life that require a complete shift in mindset and alterations/betterment of the thinking process but I do hope that more people can see the beauty in rising up together. Humans are social creatures and we thrive with our social network and connections. If you can, always and ALWAYS choose to spread positivity and good vibes over everything else. 

Never stop improving, never stop learning. 

Love, 

Hui 

A Jar of Hearts

 5/2/21 10:20 p.m.

I love friends who make you laugh like there is no tomorrow, friends whose text messages you can hear, friends who make you feel so comfortable in your skin, even though there is Abby, Betty, or Cathy sitting on your forehead (iykyk). 

They are the ones I can truly be myself, sure, they can judge me sometimes and say that I am weird. But deep down, we all know that if I am not weird, we wouldn't even be friends. So, in our dictionaries, we decide to call it unique. 

Some of my friends make me feel unbelievably supported, understood, and protected, that whenever we meet up it is nothing but positive vibes and energy. Keep these friends close to your heart and never let them go and never let them get hurt. They are the keepers. With them, time flies, but honestly who's counting. With them, there can be comfortable silence. With them, it is the only time I can possibly have 8-abs through pure incessant laughter. 

There is no need to hide, no need to pretend, no need to be who you are not. There are no expectations, no standards, no pressure. In the dark sky, they make me shine the brightest because they bring out the best of me. And it is only fair for me to only give them the best of me. 

"There are friends, there is family, there are friends who become family." 

And it has been my greatest blessing that I have friends who are like family. 

(Taken Pre-COVID)

Dear Ms Wong,

4/29/21 7:02 a.m.

Do you remember when I talked to you about how frustrating it is to be at home when nobody understands you? It was tough trying to keep everything together when you get questions like 'why are you so stressed out?' and responses like 'you should be more like your sibling, take things easy'. When you are young, wild, and rebellious, you take everything to offense, whether or not the intentions are well. You told me that you understood where I was coming from and that you were like me once. Slamming the door because you just couldn't stand being in the same living space as your parents. But at the end of the day, you said that you started regretting it when you grew older.

These days, I was lamenting the fact that I am turning 20. I have been living on Earth for 2 decades and I possibly have 6 more decades to go. That would have been an overstatement judging from the life expectancy rates these days. But the main point is that while I am growing older, it didn't occur to me that my parents are growing older as well. And this rather blatant and straightforward fact jumped at me yesterday. Somehow and someway, while I was counting my age, I literally pressed the stop button for my parents. I am struggling to comprehend that my Dad is reaching his big 5 soon. I am rather upset at how incompetent I am currently in terms of my contribution to the household. I know exactly what you are going to say. I need to learn everything I can in my final years in university and I have my entire lifetime to repay them and ensure that they will have a good life ahead of them. And you mark my words, I will do just that.

It is just the pressure and reality sinking in that if I want my Dad to retire early, I need to start taking more ownership and to make wiser and better decisions in how I want to steer my life.

These days I have been missing you a lot. I think back, fondly, on those days we spend together in the kitchen, with Kenny and Aloysius. It has been 3 years since we last saw you and I hope, we hope that you have been well and living your best. Your teachings never fail to stay relevant and I always hold them to my heart, dearly.

Love,

Hui

I fear.

2/23/21 11:38 a.m.

Today’s world is becoming progressively interlinked, fuelling the flow of tangible and intangible resources (youmatter, 2020, para. 1). While there is still a place for patriotism, extreme patriotism — nationalism, in contrast, is not important in today's world. By viewing nationalism as an “ideology based on the premise that the individual’s loyalty and devotion to the nation-state surpass other individual or group interests” (Kohn, 2020), this article discusses the expired importance of nationalism on the premise that it inhibits advancements towards global goals and fragmentises societies. 

Nationalism delays humankind’s advancements towards sustainable development goals that require global partnerships. Nationalism breeds parochialism, curating an impression that we should care only about local problems, forgetting the big picture. Nationalists prioritize their self-interests above the greater good. From the drowning of Aylan Kurdi (Smith, 2015) to US leaving the Paris agreement (McGrath, 2020), tackling global issues cannot wait, but not everyone thinks the same. Not Nationalists. Being an outspoken individual, I always use Instagram to raise awareness. With the rise of slacktivism during Covid-19 (Zamre, 2020), my social media feed was flooded with peers sharing social issues. Amidst the spotlight on the inequality faced by migrant workers, I discussed the issue of child labour and got dissed for raising it. “Shouldn’t you care more about what’s happening here?” (Leong, HL, personal communication, March 20, 2020)

Caring about global and local issues should not be mutually exclusive because “the whole world is our backyard” (Evans, 2016, 13:10). While education is able to change the narrative by encouraging students to see beyond our borders, its effectiveness relies on Professors, like yourself to spark and guide in-class discussions for students to see themselves as global citizens and their potential to be change-makers.

Moreover, Nationalism weakens our social fabric by stirring anti-immigrant sentiments. Nationalists adopt the "us-versus-them" narrative and view globalization as “a zero-sum game” (Gladding, 2018), creating a societal rift. Having personally encountered Singaporeans shunning away from migrant workers, this manifestation can be dated back to the 2008’s Not-In-My-Backyard syndrome (Ng, 2020) and the 2013’s Little India riots, highlighting how nationalism is widening the rift as the world continues experiencing “time-space compression” (Harvey, 1990).  

Globalization is unstoppable for countries like Singapore, therefore, viewing oneself as a national citizen before a global citizen is dangerous. Countries are drivers of global changes. But nationalism forces humankind to turn against themselves, losing its very importance in today’s globalized world.