Whirlpool

1/08/21 12:18 p.m. 

 

(Image from Lauren Monroe. Motion effects by rexisky.)

This image has been apt in physically expressing how I have been feeling the past week. I haven't been feeling my best. I feel out-of-the-world, nothing merely a living, breathing body, packed full of cells. I have been trying to take some time off to participate in more social activities such as using social media, catching a movie with my sibling, and watching football matches.

Life has been moving rather slowly and this just exacerbates the uneasiness that I have been feeling. I am experiencing a rather awkward calmness or peace after a long time.

The thing is I never want to settle down. I want to be challenged. I want to push myself out of my comfort zone and be uncomfortable. But I am VERY comfortable right now. It is not about taking a break or that I just want to grind away but it is about knowing that I am working on becoming better. That by itself is singlehandedly the largest reason why I am so uneasy with myself right now.

Now that I am breaking down the problem in real-time, the solution seems rather straightforward to me actually. 

If I crave challenges, I jolly well go and grab myself some challenges to fill me up. This is the 20th year I am alive, living, and breathing on this brilliant planet. Am I satisfied with my presence on earth? Maybe not yet. Till I feel that I have done enough or contributed enough for the sustenance of humankind, I don't think I will ever be satisfied.

My friends always describe me as weird or just a fish out of water. I always seem to have a determined and strong front but do I waver? Always. I feel discouraged sometimes but it is my value systems and my mindset that keeps me going on and on. 

Things that I chance upon randomly will always remind me once in a while why I decide to do what I do. For instance, I finished watching a webinar by City Developments Limited about the future of sustainability reporting yesterday. One of the panelists, Jessica Cheam (founder of Eco-Business) mentioned this one line "there are no jobs on a dead planet" from Our Planet: Our Business, which is a film for business inspired by the Netflix series Our Planet. And of course, I went ahead to watch the entire 38 minutes and 11 seconds. 

This 38 minutes and 11 seconds was probably the best 38 minutes and 11 seconds of the entire day. The people and businesses featured gave me so much hope and faith in humankind. It is possible that one day we will be able to reconcile the relationship between businesses and the planet. It is possible that one day we will be able to see the harmonious relationship between businesses and the planet. It is possible that one day we will be able to restore the ecological balance of our planet. It doesn't matter whether I live long enough to see that happening, but the fact is that it is possible, changes the whole story. What we do now is crucial to whether we can maximize the potential of all of that happening.

To have a life is to have a life that is worth it for humankind, to be living, not just surviving.

To have a purpose makes life more than just surviving.

So, are you living or just surviving, Hui?

Obsession

20/07/21 02:40 p.m. 

"You want to know what I think about you?"

"Haha, sure, I would love to hear from you."

"You will go far in life, Hui Ling. You will do well but you need to get over all of these hurdles."

I am bound to meet people who are different from me. 

I am bound to meet people whom I seemingly cannot work with.

I am bound to meet people who have different belief systems as myself. 

But the thing is, I don't need everyone to adore me. I don't need everyone to like me. I just need them to be able to work with me, willingly. I need to learn how to deal with people like that. I need to learn how to manage people like that.

"I just have 0 capacity to deal with it. I want to choose my battles, you know?"

"Sure, you can choose your battles. But, are you expanding your battlefield?"

"I-"

Then it hit me, am I really stepping outside of my comfort zone? Though the project that I am managing right now has its own fair share of obstacles and curveballs, these challenges are not foreign to me. I always thought that it is a blessing that I always have people who complement my working style around me. Now, is it really a blessing? I am depriving myself of the possibility of working with a variety of people and the chance to be able to manage people who are different from me. 

I don't want to deal with emotions because emotions are complicated. But, it is exactly because it is hard, it is complicated, it is not easy, all the more I should go for it. I should not be looking for easy.  The battles that I am choosing need to thoroughly challenge me as an individual. The battles that I am choosing need to be able to make me uncomfortable. The battles that I am choosing need to be able to make me want to pull my hair out and throw my guts out.

I want to force myself to live within the uncomfortable and to be alright with the uncomfortable. 

Because that is the only way I will learn and become better.

"Thank you, Danny."

A note to self 2.0

Dear Hui Ling,

It is okay to be impulsive once in a while. It is okay to make mendable mistakes. It is okay to feel like you are out of control, in fact, learn to be comfortable with the uncomfortable. Growth is when you feel out of control initially and then slowly regain the upperhand. 

Don't beat yourself up for things that you can't change. Heads up and look forward. Focus on finding solutions, focus on opening up different pathways for yourself, focus on growth, focus on learning, focus on becoming a better person. Focus on things you can control, rather than those that you can't. 

And remember that for every single opportunity you encounter, try your best to tap on all of them because each of them will more often than not be a space for you to learn and to grow. 

Be kind to yourself and don't be so critical of yourself. Your older self will thank you for that.

Heart strong and Mind stronger. 

Take heart,

Hui

Mandatory

12/07/21 07:52 p.m. 

A happy person will want to have a thousand things, but a hungry person will want to have only one thing — food. As we grow older, our wings harden and we should have seen much more than everything we could have ever imagined. 

But the truth of it all is that we are still very much at the tip of the iceberg. I asked Danny (53), my manager, whether he regretted anything when he was young, when he was my age. Without hesitation, he replied with a firm no. We are met with many decisions in our entire lifetime and we would never know how each pathway will end up because we will decide to choose one over the rest. So, instead of choosing one over the other, why not just do it all? Don't fear what you will face, fear what will miss.

As we grow older, we change, people change. You outgrow some friendships and that is just part and parcel of life. No biggie, really. Some people just come and go and that's alright. You have to understand that there is nothing is wrong with you, you just became not as important as you were before to some people or that some people are just not as important to you as before.