05/04/2020 02:11 p.m.
This circuit breaker has been testing my limits to a whole new level. It opened up raw and real emotions, which are things I really do not want to deal with currently. My emotions overwhelm me on new levels and sometimes, they are just too much for me to handle. Circuit breaker took away something so precious to me and probably to everyone out there in the world. The right to be free. The right to do whatever hell you want to do. And to a certain extent, the right to define your own truth.
For someone whose life is so intertwined with sports, this circuit breaker is really taking a toll on my physical and mental health. I miss the feeling of running around my neighborhood. Working from home can be a dream come true for many and for me, definitely to a certain extent. But the stress that comes from not only work but life, in general, is taking over me and thoughts are flooding into my mind like a broken dam. For me, running tucks all of that away. When you run or do sports in general, there is only one thing and only one thing in your head: to push on to run or to score. Your mind takes a break from everything you are dealing with at the moment. While I am exploring other ways for me to deal with stress, I will continue to try to stay afloat in this quicksand for now.
Undoubtedly, this is an issue only the privileged would have. Everyone is privileged to a certain extent but whether we recognize it is another story by itself. But, that should not mean that the issues we are facing are not validated. Everyone is dealing with their own problems and issues which I feel that it would be unfair to compare. The problems that you might be facing may seem trivial to some, but they are important to you and so be it. The obstacles that you face in life cannot and should not be judged by others because it is your own inner battle with your own inner demons. This, by itself, is extremely personal and close to your heart. By trivializing someone else's issues destroys the person more than you might think. If you think that by telling someone that there are people out there in the world who are having it worse than you is going to help, think again.
I am guilty of saying things like "what is so hard?" and or "I don't get why is he/she so affected by it". What I am really doing is defining the truth for them. The truth to me is that it is not that hard and he/she should definitely not be affected by it but that is my truth. Not theirs. I fail to remember that they are dealing with their own inner battles with their own inner demons.
So, I don't think I should have judged all the people who were affected by the bubble tea shops closing because to them, their love for bubble tea is probably equivalent to my love for sports. For all we know, there are those who seek comfort and solace from drinking bubble tea. There are those who use bubble tea to cope with their stress.
Always a work in progress.
xoxo, Hui
Sunday, May 3, 2020
Sunday, April 12, 2020
A book for myself
04/12/2020 09:45 p.m.
This book became my go-to-helpline whenever I faced obstacles, whenever I needed reminders, whenever I needed a change in perspective. Reading through it and at the same time, adding more into the collection get rids of all irrational and errant thoughts, gives me a peace of mind and most importantly, refuels me to allow me to continue to grind forward.
There were countless times I turned to this book. This book of wisdom. This book of lessons. This book of advice. I thank those people who shared their stories for the whole world to see, to hear, to learn. Without experiencing what they had experienced, I am able to learn through the accounts of what happened to them. Without experiencing the hell they went through, without experiencing the rollercoaster ride they sat through, without experiencing the darkest and seemingly endless abyss that fell into.
This is the power of communication and story-telling in this day and age.
Vulnerabilities they bared, in hopes of saving the grace of the next generation.
I thank the-2017-me for setting my mind on compiling all of these nuggets of wisdom I came across. This book is one of my most treasured possessions. I cannot imagine living without it. It saw me through my highest and lowest. This book guided my thought processes and shaped the person I am today. I am someone who cannot settle less for myself. I am someone who would do my best in whatever I believe and support in. I am someone who is still and always will be a work in progress.
To you, who is currently reading this right now, if you want to start becoming more independent mentally, having a book of wisdom will help. It helped me. Back then, whenever I am in the darkest place ever, it takes a lot of effort from those around me to try to pull me out. At the end of the day, it was time and myself who successfully dragged me out of my own head. It drains people around you and it drains yourself. To have a book to turn to whenever you hit a rock or a wall, it lifts you up and it serves as a constant reminder for yourself that there is hope and you can get through this. All of this.
Work hard, Stay humble.
xoxo, Hui
Work hard, Stay humble.
xoxo, Hui
Friday, April 10, 2020
Travelling around the World
04/11/2020 01:47 p.m.
I grew up watching the classic movie: Around the world in 80 days, which was what seems like an elusive dream. Travelling, by itself, was something unattainable back when I was young. Not because we could not afford it, but it was not a priority, neither was it a necessity. As I grew older, I had more and more opportunities to travel out of my abode. There was that packing my own luggage for the first time, there was that flying across the horizons for the first time, there was that being welcomed into new territory in a completely different language. But there was also that feeling as though whatever I am seeing was not real for the first time, there was that wanting to stay here forever for the first time, there was that dream to travel around the world in 80 days for the first time.
Travelling to me, became a dream, became something I want to do in the future. Amidst all the uncertainties in life, this became clearer and clearer to me that this was something I want to do certainly, for sure.
I went to Phuket, Thailand once with my family in 2017 and again with my class in 2019. Let me just say that despite going to the same country, to the same province, but I had two completely different experiences. The trip in 2017 bonded my family, and we became closer together as we forged memories in a different land. The trip in 2019 completely blew my mind. That 5 days I had with my friends could safely be assumed to be the best 5 days I ever had in 2019. The sky, the ocean, the sand, the sun, the moon, the stars, the people, the life. IF I could hold it all in the palm of my hands all over again, I would take it all in, without a doubt. I enjoyed the unexpected peace among the passionate shoutings of hawkers in the night market. I enjoyed the serenity of the sound of waves crashing onto the white sandy beach. The rhythmic percussion of the waves hitting all so gently onto the barnacle-encrusted dead, bleached coral reefs. I enjoyed the salty kisses of the ocean as I sat near the edge of the boat while allowing the cool draught of air to comb my errant strands of hair behind, giving me an undisturbed full and wholesome view of the faraway, never-ending seamounts. Beyond all of that, I enjoyed swimming/scuba diving in the endless, watching the underwater parade and that was as far as Finding Nemo can be a reality to me. I had a whale of my time, or should I say a dolphin of my time, when the entire boat of us was blessed by the sightings of dolphins, not one, but four of them.
These will be memories that I will hold on for a lifetime.
Undoubtedly, this was that trip that really changed the way I think. To be able to travel is a blessing and I would deem it as a necessity because you can truly learn so much more by travelling, or if not staying for a period of time at a different country. Not everyone is able to do that, but if I can and have the opportunity to work outside my home ground, I would, a hundred per cent, take it on.
I am not scared and I do not need to be.
Be fearless, be bold.
Work hard, stay humble.
Rookie for life,
xoxo, Hui
Wednesday, March 11, 2020
Strength
03/11/2020 8:54 p.m.
Meeting Mr Vincent Ng, a curator at A Good Space, was an insane, mind-warping experience. There was trust and patience built between us through the entire 3 hours we talked to each other. His journey hasn't been all that easy, he went through a lot going through JC and university but he was able to conquer it all, which was honestly, amazing.
He shared with me a lot of things, facilitated the conversation we had and the conversation within myself. He taught me things I did not know such as the different leadership styles one can adopt, and he normalized networking for 19-year-old individuals like myself. I gained confidence to reach out to people whom I really want to talk to after they have shared their stories online, as weird as it sounds, there are people who are willing to share with you their story and you just have to be Bold! Don't fear getting judged! Fear the opportunity lost if you did not choose to initiate to talk to those people who inspire you.
That night, I reached out to Faheema. I watched #SMUchangemaker, a Youtube video in which she was featured in. She is the founder of hash.peace, an organization which advocates racial and religious harmony, builds friendships transcending differences, counters extremism and most importantly curating cultural intelligence, as well as critical thinking. I really wanted to somehow and someway reach out to her but I obviously did not have the courage to do so. But after talking to Vincent, he really gave me the confidence to JUST DO IT. So, I did. I messaged her on Instagram and told her how inspired I was after watching her video. She replied to my message and even suggested to have breakfast together with a few others to share more about what hash.peace is all about! Honestly, I was just extremely shocked, at the outcome, the breakfast is not fixed yet, but I believe it is coming soon. I just can't wait what I will learn from the conversation and what I can bring to the table as well. Everything happened so fast. Exhilaration. Amazement. Overwhelmed. Hopeful.
After talking to Faheema, I clearly became more confident in reaching out to people who literally are role models to me or whose lives they are living are just so close to what I would want myself to be living in the future. I came across a podcast Youtube video featuring an NUS business graduate student: Leonard Yap. I connected to him on Instagram and I was really interested in the beliefs he held on to strongly during university and fortunately he was such a pleasant soul and he was so open to sharing with me his top three beliefs:
2) Be humble and try to learn as many things when you are younger. Talk to people, ask for advice and they would share more with you.
3) Tough times do not last but tough people do. Always remember that even though the problem seems big at first, it’s just temporary. The challenges may be insurmountable at that very moment. But now, in retrospect, they don't seem such a big deal after they are over and done with. It’s because tough times seems huge only when you are experiencing it at the moment.
He reminded me to stop comparing with other people around me because everyone is different! Everyone is unique! Most importantly, this one thing he told me really struck a chord with me: be ambitious but be contented too! I mean this has been something I was always struggling with since the start of I-don't-even-know-when. I always am so ambitious with what I feel I can achieve in the present and in the future, after all: dream big because if I were to shoot for the moon and I miss it, I will still be able to land among the stars. But for now, I won't settle for less, I know exactly what I am working towards and I know how to get there, the only thing missing right now is me actually doing it. I won't go all talk and no action, I am going to try my best and absorb so much from SMU that I am going to make my 15-year-old self quake. My 15-year-old self would never have imagined me even entering SMU business school or even graduating from VJC to even start off with! But I did the latter, I can definitely achieve the former too! So, for that, I am thankful for Leonard for really waking me up. Hui, quit wallowing in your own mindless thoughts, start being thankful and appreciative for everything from small to big. Things happen for a reason and you need to start becoming more contented with everything you have. You literally have everything you need in the world, you have all shelter and you have all the necessities you need to survive. Now, when you realise that you are good, start becoming more mindful about all the things around you, the loopholes in the society that you can do your part to fill up, the people around you that need help, help them. We can only rise by lifting others up.
Also, just three days ago, as International Women's Day.
This picture is literally everything. So powerful.
Happy International Women's Day.
Girls deserve equal pay. And,
Boys are allowed to cry.
xoxo, Hui
Meeting Mr Vincent Ng, a curator at A Good Space, was an insane, mind-warping experience. There was trust and patience built between us through the entire 3 hours we talked to each other. His journey hasn't been all that easy, he went through a lot going through JC and university but he was able to conquer it all, which was honestly, amazing.
He shared with me a lot of things, facilitated the conversation we had and the conversation within myself. He taught me things I did not know such as the different leadership styles one can adopt, and he normalized networking for 19-year-old individuals like myself. I gained confidence to reach out to people whom I really want to talk to after they have shared their stories online, as weird as it sounds, there are people who are willing to share with you their story and you just have to be Bold! Don't fear getting judged! Fear the opportunity lost if you did not choose to initiate to talk to those people who inspire you.
That night, I reached out to Faheema. I watched #SMUchangemaker, a Youtube video in which she was featured in. She is the founder of hash.peace, an organization which advocates racial and religious harmony, builds friendships transcending differences, counters extremism and most importantly curating cultural intelligence, as well as critical thinking. I really wanted to somehow and someway reach out to her but I obviously did not have the courage to do so. But after talking to Vincent, he really gave me the confidence to JUST DO IT. So, I did. I messaged her on Instagram and told her how inspired I was after watching her video. She replied to my message and even suggested to have breakfast together with a few others to share more about what hash.peace is all about! Honestly, I was just extremely shocked, at the outcome, the breakfast is not fixed yet, but I believe it is coming soon. I just can't wait what I will learn from the conversation and what I can bring to the table as well. Everything happened so fast. Exhilaration. Amazement. Overwhelmed. Hopeful.
After talking to Faheema, I clearly became more confident in reaching out to people who literally are role models to me or whose lives they are living are just so close to what I would want myself to be living in the future. I came across a podcast Youtube video featuring an NUS business graduate student: Leonard Yap. I connected to him on Instagram and I was really interested in the beliefs he held on to strongly during university and fortunately he was such a pleasant soul and he was so open to sharing with me his top three beliefs:
1) Be bold, be fearless and not let any person’s words affect what you are pursuing if you know that what you are doing is right.
2) Be humble and try to learn as many things when you are younger. Talk to people, ask for advice and they would share more with you.
3) Tough times do not last but tough people do. Always remember that even though the problem seems big at first, it’s just temporary. The challenges may be insurmountable at that very moment. But now, in retrospect, they don't seem such a big deal after they are over and done with. It’s because tough times seems huge only when you are experiencing it at the moment.
Also, just three days ago, as International Women's Day.
This picture is literally everything. So powerful.
Happy International Women's Day.
Girls deserve equal pay. And,
Boys are allowed to cry.
xoxo, Hui
Friday, March 6, 2020
Trigger Warning
03/06/2020 4:59 p.m.
I was reading a thriller, crime, mystery book earlier today.
Dust to Dust, written by Tami Hoag.
The first chapter caught me completely off guard and I cannot even express how appalled I was by this.
"It is stunning how quickly it happens. How little time it takes to go from trouble to tragedy. Seconds. Mere seconds without air and the brain begins to shut down. No time to struggle. No time to panic even.
Like a boa constrictor choking the life from its prey, the noose tightens and tightens. It makes no difference what thoughts explode in the brain... The commands don't make it down the neural pathways to the muscles of the arms. Coordination is gone.
The sturdy rope makes a tearing sound as the weight of his body stretches it. The beam creaks.
His body turns slightly this way and that. The arms pull upward in hideous, slow-motion spasms. A macabre marionette's dance - arms moving up and down; hands twitching, twisting, bending; fingers curling. The knees try to draw upward, then straighten again. Posturing: a sign of brain damage.
The eerie contortions go on and on. The seconds stretch as the death dance continues. A minute. Two. Four. The rope and beam creak in the otherwise silent room. The eyes are open but vacant. Mouth moves in a final, futile gasp for air. The most acute, exquisite split second of life: the final heartbeat before death.
And then it is over.
At last.
The flash explodes in a brilliant burst of white light and the scene is frozen in time."
To read about how terrifyingly simple it is for life and its essence to slip through our hands as such makes me appreciate life even more. I think that every earthling brought into this world is a warrior and a fighter, just that most of us have not yet figure out how to channel the inner power we all possess to impact the world, to leave our mark.
I was reading a thriller, crime, mystery book earlier today.
Dust to Dust, written by Tami Hoag.
The first chapter caught me completely off guard and I cannot even express how appalled I was by this.
"It is stunning how quickly it happens. How little time it takes to go from trouble to tragedy. Seconds. Mere seconds without air and the brain begins to shut down. No time to struggle. No time to panic even.
Like a boa constrictor choking the life from its prey, the noose tightens and tightens. It makes no difference what thoughts explode in the brain... The commands don't make it down the neural pathways to the muscles of the arms. Coordination is gone.
The sturdy rope makes a tearing sound as the weight of his body stretches it. The beam creaks.
His body turns slightly this way and that. The arms pull upward in hideous, slow-motion spasms. A macabre marionette's dance - arms moving up and down; hands twitching, twisting, bending; fingers curling. The knees try to draw upward, then straighten again. Posturing: a sign of brain damage.
The eerie contortions go on and on. The seconds stretch as the death dance continues. A minute. Two. Four. The rope and beam creak in the otherwise silent room. The eyes are open but vacant. Mouth moves in a final, futile gasp for air. The most acute, exquisite split second of life: the final heartbeat before death.
And then it is over.
At last.
The flash explodes in a brilliant burst of white light and the scene is frozen in time."
To read about how terrifyingly simple it is for life and its essence to slip through our hands as such makes me appreciate life even more. I think that every earthling brought into this world is a warrior and a fighter, just that most of us have not yet figure out how to channel the inner power we all possess to impact the world, to leave our mark.
Wednesday, February 26, 2020
When I have everything
02/26/2020 7:40 p.m.
I think this is how humans work:
I want something. I get something.
This continues, back and forth, not mutually exclusive and not uni-directional but bi-directional.
It can be:
I want something. I get something.
I get something. I want something.
If you take 'I want something' as stage x and 'I get something' as stage z, the process of one transitioning from stage x to stage z differs from person to person and differs from what exactly that thing is. I have come to terms with the fact that we, humans, cannot satisfy ourselves. After fulfilling a need, there comes another need. After satisfying a want, comes another want. So, if we were to use our needs and wants to define happiness, happiness becomes an extremely abstract concept, because then, technically we will never ever be able to experience happiness, even till the day, we lie in our coffins, with white flowers scattered around our deathbed.
Insatiable greed. Insatiable needs. Insatiable wants.
Before my national examinations ended, I was dearly hoping for the day it will all end and I envision myself experiencing the unfamiliar sense of freedom like my first time seeing a shooting star or my first time swimming in an open ocean. I wanted it to end so badly. I needed it to end to save my own sanity.
Then, came the day when it really ended. Um, la libertad ?
Nope, I took no break and went to work, immediately. I worked at a restaurant in the first 2.25 months of my holidays but I started thinking about how I need to find and get another job, hopefully, an internship to enrich my soul. Life at the restaurant becomes extremely repetitive and stagnant after a while, the only constant was probably the people that I meet and serve, but even then, some of them are the same. So I applied for roughly 25 open jobs that I am able to qualify for (to this date) and luckily for me, there were about 10 that got back to me. The margins are insane but c'mon, who would want to employ someone like me, with literally no actual qualifications, no diploma, no degree. Amidst of the coronavirus, I quitted working as a part-time service crew and took up my second job as an intern to learn more about the logistics, e-commerce industry and to avoid interactions with tourists. Afterall, it is better to be safe than to be sorry. Well, I mean I can get infected with the virus for all I care, but I do not want to drag my family down into this abyss with me and burden them with a virus that can realistically cost their lives. Everyone of us has a responsibility not only to account for ourselves but also to our family, whether we like it or not.
Then I realise, perhaps it is not that humans can never be satisfied. But because we need to move on, we need to advance, we need to evolve, which is why our needs and wants seem never-ending and insatiable. Happiness is a state of mind, it is not a case whether it is reachable or not. I can experience happiness even if I do not get what I want.
“Happiness is not determined by what’s happening around you, but rather what’s happening inside you. Most people depend on others to gain happiness, but the truth is, it always comes from within.” - Anonymous
For if we think that happiness and our unquenchable desire are two separate entity, that are independent of each other, then there will not be a situation where we will have to compromise either of them. So, if I keep telling myself that if I get this or that, I will experience happiness, then I can never truly experience happiness because that something becomes the variable. I will then have to continuously move from stage x to stage z to make myself happy. Happiness is overrated.
I think many people have mistaken this relationship, which is why they are unhappy.
And to them, they are telling themselves that the only way to become happier is to get this, get that, do this, do that. Hopefully, they will be at peace with themselves, sooner or later.
Meanwhile, I will continue to find peace within myself. The balance that I believe I wholeheartedly need in the long run for my sanity.
xzxzxz disclaimer: clearly i can be wrong and i think this theory that i talked about above will definitely be subjected to changes, just because i change, you, the one who is reading changes xzxzxz
I think this is how humans work:
I want something. I get something.
This continues, back and forth, not mutually exclusive and not uni-directional but bi-directional.
It can be:
I want something. I get something.
I get something. I want something.
If you take 'I want something' as stage x and 'I get something' as stage z, the process of one transitioning from stage x to stage z differs from person to person and differs from what exactly that thing is. I have come to terms with the fact that we, humans, cannot satisfy ourselves. After fulfilling a need, there comes another need. After satisfying a want, comes another want. So, if we were to use our needs and wants to define happiness, happiness becomes an extremely abstract concept, because then, technically we will never ever be able to experience happiness, even till the day, we lie in our coffins, with white flowers scattered around our deathbed.
Insatiable greed. Insatiable needs. Insatiable wants.
Before my national examinations ended, I was dearly hoping for the day it will all end and I envision myself experiencing the unfamiliar sense of freedom like my first time seeing a shooting star or my first time swimming in an open ocean. I wanted it to end so badly. I needed it to end to save my own sanity.
Then, came the day when it really ended. Um, la libertad ?
Nope, I took no break and went to work, immediately. I worked at a restaurant in the first 2.25 months of my holidays but I started thinking about how I need to find and get another job, hopefully, an internship to enrich my soul. Life at the restaurant becomes extremely repetitive and stagnant after a while, the only constant was probably the people that I meet and serve, but even then, some of them are the same. So I applied for roughly 25 open jobs that I am able to qualify for (to this date) and luckily for me, there were about 10 that got back to me. The margins are insane but c'mon, who would want to employ someone like me, with literally no actual qualifications, no diploma, no degree. Amidst of the coronavirus, I quitted working as a part-time service crew and took up my second job as an intern to learn more about the logistics, e-commerce industry and to avoid interactions with tourists. Afterall, it is better to be safe than to be sorry. Well, I mean I can get infected with the virus for all I care, but I do not want to drag my family down into this abyss with me and burden them with a virus that can realistically cost their lives. Everyone of us has a responsibility not only to account for ourselves but also to our family, whether we like it or not.
Then I realise, perhaps it is not that humans can never be satisfied. But because we need to move on, we need to advance, we need to evolve, which is why our needs and wants seem never-ending and insatiable. Happiness is a state of mind, it is not a case whether it is reachable or not. I can experience happiness even if I do not get what I want.
“Happiness is not determined by what’s happening around you, but rather what’s happening inside you. Most people depend on others to gain happiness, but the truth is, it always comes from within.” - Anonymous
For if we think that happiness and our unquenchable desire are two separate entity, that are independent of each other, then there will not be a situation where we will have to compromise either of them. So, if I keep telling myself that if I get this or that, I will experience happiness, then I can never truly experience happiness because that something becomes the variable. I will then have to continuously move from stage x to stage z to make myself happy. Happiness is overrated.
I think many people have mistaken this relationship, which is why they are unhappy.
And to them, they are telling themselves that the only way to become happier is to get this, get that, do this, do that. Hopefully, they will be at peace with themselves, sooner or later.
Meanwhile, I will continue to find peace within myself. The balance that I believe I wholeheartedly need in the long run for my sanity.
xzxzxz disclaimer: clearly i can be wrong and i think this theory that i talked about above will definitely be subjected to changes, just because i change, you, the one who is reading changes xzxzxz
Thursday, February 6, 2020
Mantra'20
02/06/20 7.28 a.m.
Work Hard, Stay Humble.
I am going to be a rookie for life, no matter how old I am. There is no such instance where you know enough because you will never be enough and never ever be ever-ready to take on the world. So, for now, baby steps are enough for me to move towards my bigger goal: To learn and to enrich.
xoxo, Hui
Work Hard, Stay Humble.
I am going to be a rookie for life, no matter how old I am. There is no such instance where you know enough because you will never be enough and never ever be ever-ready to take on the world. So, for now, baby steps are enough for me to move towards my bigger goal: To learn and to enrich.
xoxo, Hui
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