Be at the Top

12/26/20 12:33 a.m.

Let them be. Let them flaunt. Let them strut. Let them do whatever hell they want. It is what it is. 

Focus on getting better, if you refuse to co-exist, you be better, you be stronger, you be smarter. You have seen only the tip of the iceberg and I am pretty sure this is not the worst of it yet. I have no idea when it will come, but you better sure that you are prepared for it. Expect that it will come, these people you will meet will scare you, anger you, but promise me you will try to make peace and work cohesively together first. When things get ugly, hold yourself together, you have done your best and you did what you could. No hard feelings. You have choices and decisions, choose wisely and, follow through without regret.

Being ambitious is good but being out and open exposes your weakness, hold on to yourself, and don't crumble under pressure and expectations. You are better than that. Learn to listen to your inner non-conscious mind, follow your gut feelings.

Survive the next 6 months and, make the best out of it. Life should be more than just surviving. 

A note to self 1.0

Dear Hui Ling, 

Things may seem tough but I assure you that things will get better. There will be times where you feel like crying, sure, go ahead and let it all out. Know very clearly who you are as a person and what exactly do you stand for. Go for opportunities where every single part of you feels so strongly for, otherwise, take a step back and reconsider. Don't rush into things without thinking because I assure you, you will regret it. Choose the right people to lean on and do not be afraid to be vulnerable and to be who you are. 

Ride the waves and take it all in. It will be more therapeutic than you think.

Much love,

Hui

Whose Truth?

11/22/2020 11.33 p.m.

Is your truth the truth? If yes, then is my truth the truth? So now, whose truth is the truth? 

We choose to see things the way we see them and that becomes our truth. But is that necessarily the truth? I am afraid not.

We are living in our own warped dimension and we see things under our own lens and our own tinted glasses. Honestly, there is no truth in this world. Stories are twisted every single time you tell them to different people. The past is not really the past anymore. You change the narrative of your future much more than you can imagine. The only constant is the present because the present is present. 

And so if that's the case, why am I allowing my truth to affect me on levels that I cannot seem to explain, especially now that I am aware that my truth is really not the truth.

It is a mountain of assumptions, predictions, lame-ass scientific explanations, smart-alec type of reasonings and most important of all-the cherry on top? My insecurities. 

Just felt like typing

11/03/2020 07:30 p.m.

There have many moments where I opened up a blank draft, wanting to sound out my thoughts because just sometimes, the world is too noisy and there is just no space for me, my voice, and my opinions. But, that's alright. It really does not matter, but when things start to get suffocating and I feel like the entire world is against me and I feel like I am alone in this fight. I get restless and uncertain. 

In a blink of an eye, I am reaching the end of a semester, so many things happened and I met so many people. My life has not yet changed drastically but, it has definitely become more eventful. With AIESEC, I have met so many people from around the world and I have had the chance to speak to Youths from other countries like Japan, Indonesia, the Philippines, and Vietnam. 

"The world is so small" is always a statement that is in synchronous with the growth of technology. But I really felt the end of the spectrum only now. I have been talking and connecting with people from Vietnam, from Vietnam, from Indonesia, and from the Philippines. I can proudly say that I have friends beyond Singapore now. Other than getting to know their everyday lives, we talk about dreams and aspirations. It is extremely heartwarming to hear from them and their stories. Hearing from what they have to say and the impact that they want to leave on this world that we all live in, I, too, ought to do better than whatever I am doing. No, this is not a competition, but I feel that we are all motivating each other to become a better person and to change the world in our own little ways. 

I decided to run for LCVP for oGX in AIESEC in SMU, there are many reasons why I decided to do so, but mostly so driven by the potential that I see in AIESEC. AIESEC makes me want to do better and most importantly, be better. I submitted my package just 2 days ago and I will be having my interview and elections this coming Thursday. I am scared but I am not going to let that affect how I carry myself and how I want others to see me and view me. 

Amidst all of these, I had a chat with the Founder of an enterprise I am volunteering in currently. He is one rare human, I must say. He made me feel both hopeful and hopeless at the same time. He shared with me some troubles that the enterprise has and how they are really restricting so many more things he can do and so much more impact he can bring about, beyond Singapore, specifically with regards to the sex workers overseas, in Indonesia. For the longest of time, social issues overseas are issues that I discuss so much with my peers and friends all the time but it has always been the case where we can only talk about them, but not do anything about them because it is always "not within our capacity to do anything about them". However, talking to him and hearing about what he intends to do for them genuinely shocked me because he really just gave me a tight slap out of my disillusioned self, popped my bubble, and woke me up. "I can never take cannot for an answer when nothing is being done. I will need to do it and see before seeing whether I can or cannot myself." 

When they said everyone has the potential to be a hero/shero, they weren't kidding about it. I feel empowered and powerful on a very personal level. I feel that the weight of the world is on me. But I don't think I am the only one who is feeling this way. In fact, I hope that more people can feel that way because everyone has the potential to lift people up, really. 

But this dug up a lot of concerns and worries and there are many things that are on my mind right now. I feel uncertain and distraught. But I feel even more uncomfortable thinking this way because does it even make any sense for me to feel this way? Isn't this what I have always been wanting to work towards? Then why am I having so many second thoughts about this? I haven't been talking to anyone really for the past week or so, and I think I am just drowning myself in my own thoughts. I feel like talking to someone just to hear what they have to say, from an objective point of view, when my semester ends, I will do just that, but for now, I know I need to focus right now and do what I need to do first because I am responsible for my actions and I need to be liable for them right now. 

Who is to blame?

 09/06/2020 07:07 p.m.

Yes, our education system is tough. You will realize it sooner or later that the pressure, the stress, and everything in between is as tough as it sounds like. But I will want to urge you to think in a different way, try to maximize and make the best out of the situation that you are in currently, or will be in in years to come. Learn with a purpose, learn because you want to learn more but not because you want to do well in examinations, learn because you are curious and you are dying to know all these wonderous phenomenons that are happening all around you and all around the world.

Having gone through the Singapore's education system for 12 years straight, if you want me to remember every single fact or theory that I had learned, it will be tough for me to regurgitate everything out. But that is neither a concern nor the main point, the skills that I have learned that is truly rooted deep within me is the myriad ways of thinking and the kaleidoscope of perspectives that we can choose to take to solve problems or to make big and important decisions. 

I would consider it a failure for the education system if I hear that one, as young as 10 years old is studying and learning about Science just so that he/she can do well in the school papers. That is just pathetic and I just wonder where is the fun in all of it. I remember vividly that in my Science lessons back in my Primary School, we had so many Science projects and we adopted the Scientific way of thinking and looking at conclusions and outcomes. I just hope that our future generations will focus more on that instead. I hope that they don't lose the joy of learning new things, discovering new things and applying what they have learnt in school to real-life contexts and situations. 

I have been saying how the education system needs to change, but does it really need to change? Or is the way people are talking about it needs to change? Or, how people are viewing it that needs to change? 

It is what it is.

07/10/2020 10:25 a.m.

I think at this time and age, people are slowly becoming increasingly disenchanted by humanity. At the end of the day, we can all be sharing and talking about the worldly issues that are happening all around the globe but you question the act of slacktivism. It is, in fact, a new word to me as I am typing this down. I was trying to find a word for it and I chanced upon this term. 

"The United Nations defines slacktivism as when people 'support a cause by performing simple measures' but are not necessarily 'engaged or devoted to making a change.' Other frequently used terms are ‘clicktivism’ or ‘arm-chair activism’. 

Basically, slacktivism is a way to voice your opinion about a certain cause without taking to the streets or risking your neck. It’s the viral hashtag you’re retweeting. The pink ribbon on your shirt. The rainbow-coloured frame on your Facebook picture. The ‘Save The Turtles’-petition you signed last week." (Citizen Lab, 2020)

Activism should take time and effort. 

When the Black Lives Matter movement started, it struck a chord in my heart. I knew and I was aware of the prejudice and discrimination the Black people in America endured throughout the years and I educated myself even more after the movement took off. I learned more about slave traders and systemic racism, which were topics that I was unfamiliar with. I played my part, I shared, I liked and I strike conversations up with the people around me to raise awareness and to really at the end of the day, motivating others to educate and learn more about the entire issue. But I question myself deeply am I doing enough?

Am I doing enough? The next question is what more can I do. It gets a bit brain-wrecking because there is just so much I can do, being in a position like that. A small-town girl in Singapore. Slacktivism. 

"We know that our Facebook like won’t actually feed a hungry child. And that chronic diseases don’t take into account how many viral hashtags condemn their existence. In the end, we still have to put our money where our mouth is." (Citizen Lab, 2020)

I think at the end of the day, on a more personal level, one needs to be actively educating oneself of all the issues and learn to empathize. Taking the initiative to do so is a win for humanity and for all of us in the long run. Learn how to empathize, practise being empathetic and make the effort to be empathetic. Empathy can be inculcated and it can be learned. It will be good and beneficial for all of us earthlings at the end of the world.  

In my entire lifetime, I was and I still am deeply concerned about some major issues that I find myself always gravitating back towards at random points in my life. As I grow older, I have more autonomy and freedom to really fight for what I think is right and fight by taking action. Taking action is really partaking and contributing to the systems which are driving certain changes in the right direction in these realms. Hence, straightforwardly, the next question I should be asking myself is how to take action? Because clearly, actions speak so much louder than words. 

There is so much in the world to fight for and words are so damn easy to say. I just turned 19, and my average life expectancy is 83.99 years (2020). I have 64.99 years to bring about changes that matter to me and to the world. If I were to put things into perspective, changes take a lot of time and effort, especially when mindsets and attitudes are involved. When I die, I want to see change, I want to be pioneering these changes and take things into my own hand. If not now, then when. I am scared of doing certain things and joining certain movements abroad, but I think what I really need to straighten out within me, to what extent am I able to push myself to, to bring about the changes that matter to me. 

L’Oréal Brandstorm 2020

06/25/2020 02:47 p.m.

This year's theme for L’Oréal Brandstorm 2020 is to build a plastic-less future in the beauty industry. I tuned into the L’Oréal Brandstorm 2020 finals live stream. I was so happy when I heard Nicolas Hieronimus, the Deputy Chief Executive Officer, in charge of Divisions say that leaders like L’Oréal have a part to play to transform the world. Beauty is able to transform the world and it has to start somewhere. 

It was extremely exciting to hear from all the finalists share their ideas and their visions of a plastic-less future for L’Oréal. Using new and advanced technology to reduce L’Oréal usage of plastic and to effectively tackle other issues such as the massive waste production of orange peels from orange juice companies. Alternative resources are used and sourced to replace the use of plastic such as biodegradable carbon boxes, rice paper sachets, brown algae and seaweed.

Listening to them really got me thinking about all the unchartered waters and unexplored territories that are out there. Suddenly, being crazy doesn't seem that crazy anymore. In fact, being crazy is the new norm. Sustainability is receiving a lot of attention and I love how times are changing. If I were to imagine more and more leaders choosing to prioritise sustainability, diversity and ethics, the world will be really changing things up for good. 

I am hopeful for the future. And I am glad that I am hopeful. 

Cheers to hope, peace and love. 

Settle down

05/23/2020 09:23 p.m.

I finally settled my heart down. And by that, what I mean is that I stopped thinking about all the unforeseeable things that might happen to me in the future. Ironic because you technically cannot predict what you cannot predict. But that is exactly what we are capable of, isn't it? A brilliant mind to think about all sorts of "pathways" that we could choose to take in our entire lifetime.

Thinking is good. Not overthinking though. 

This brings me back to settling down. Fortunately, I am no longer overthinking these few weeks. I am pretty sure that it will come back and haunt me. But, I have learnt to commend myself for even the smallest achievements. I am proud of myself for always trying to re-charge my own emotional battery when it is less than 10%, no matter how hard it seems. I decided to trust myself, trust my plans and trust my own instincts. I decided to take heart and have faith in myself. I decided to invest in and bet on myself. 

I gave myself time to work on myself because I am definitely not someone who can work without a plan in general. But I don't think that means coming up with an insane number of plans from A to Z. But I believe it is more of coming up with a realistic number of plans that I will definitely stick with in the long run. Not plans that are flimsy or are ever-changing based on my mood because that will just worsen my anxiety. However, this does not mean that the plans are rigid, there must definitely be a certain degree of flexibility. 

After that was done, fixing my mentality was next. I told myself and I am still telling myself that that was it. I just need to trust what I came up with because I know exactly what is best for myself and what I am capable of. This self-confidence might crumble on bad days, which is why on good days, it is important to strengthen the foundation, fix it and brace it. 

I need to focus on getting better than the previous versions of myself before I can do anything else. (Note: not about comparing yourself with other people, but with yourself)

The question for all of us currently is  "do we have what it takes?", but the question for the future us will definitely be "is the world ready for us?". And that is on positivity and confidence. 

Hope you find some comfort (motivation?) reading this and for sure, you ain't alone in the journey you are in. While you are all sad, moody and emotional, remember to look up and around. There are people looking out for you and there are people there for you. Don't be too blindsided by what you are experiencing to forget all the blessings and all the good things you have. 

Forever a work in progress,

Work hard, Stay Humble.

xoxo, Hui

When the world Sleeps

05/14/2020 06:13 p.m.

You see, the thing is the world never sleeps. When the night falls, I like to peer out of my window to look at the quiet night sky, imagining what someone else would be doing at the other side of the earth at the exact same moment. I imagine that someone to be a he or a she, an artist, an actor, a singer, a counsellor,  a lady boss, a soldier, a diver or an athlete... I imagine what would happen to me 5 years from now, a fresh graduate, just out of university. Where will I be? The exact, same place where I spent more than half of my life or somewhere out there? Will I be able to be the change I hope to see the world? Will I be able to take on the world, the way I want exactly? Will I be able to leave my mark? Will people be able to remember my name for the right reasons when I pass on?

Everyone has 86400 seconds every single day and when the time runs out, we cannot get it back anymore. We cannot buy it back, we cannot do anything to get it back. There is this movie I watched a long time ago, it is called About Time (2013), written and directed by Richard Curtis. What the main character, Tim Lake said near the end of the movie is this and I quote: "The truth is, I now don't travel back at all. Not even for the day. I just try to live every day as if I've deliberately come back to this one day to enjoy it as if it was the full final day of my extraordinary, ordinary life." He lived every day like it is his last.

Meanwhile, there is me. Stressing about all the things you can possibly stress in the world when I know for sure, that nothing, nothing will change even if I stress about it. Learning how not to stress about the things I cannot control is an art. There are 7.8 billion people in the world as of May 2020 and there are bound to be people who are better than you but the main point is to not compare. This quote rounds it up perfectly: "Don't compare your life to others. There's no comparison between the sun and the moon because they shine when it's their time." It is just not the time yet, what I can do is to work hard, stay humble and have an overwhelming amount of faith and belief in this process, in my process. When that happens, you are investing in yourself and in your future.

Every minute you spend wishing you had someone else's life is a minute spent wasting yours. ~ Aditya Bhavsar 

Be Confident. Too many days are wasted comparing ourselves to others and wishing to be something we aren't. Everybody has their own strengths and weaknesses, and it is only when you accept everything you are and everything you aren't that you will truly succeed in life. ~ Ritu Ghatourey

Do not compare yourself to others. You have a unique destiny and mission that only you can accomplish. ~ Mariane Pearl

As embarrassed as I am, I am guilty of spending an unhealthy amount of time, every once and then, comparing myself with the people around me. Circuit breaker makes everything worse because I am left with so much time to think negatively and so much time to insult the medals around my neck and the effort I put in everything because I am using others as my benchmark. But, that is not good. I know that deep down within me and that I know for sure. Fixing my mindset is important because I will end up impeding myself, and that is just pathetic. I am not going to put myself under duress to change, instead, I am going to take it easy. I will remind myself consistently until it is ingrained in me. It is a process and it is worth it because what comes out of all of this is my mental health.


Focus on yourself and nothing else because your mindset is precious and matters.

Always a work in progress,
xoxo, Hui

Truth

05/04/2020 02:11 p.m.

This circuit breaker has been testing my limits to a whole new level. It opened up raw and real emotions, which are things I really do not want to deal with currently. My emotions overwhelm me on new levels and sometimes, they are just too much for me to handle. Circuit breaker took away something so precious to me and probably to everyone out there in the world. The right to be free. The right to do whatever hell you want to do. And to a certain extent, the right to define your own truth.

For someone whose life is so intertwined with sports, this circuit breaker is really taking a toll on my physical and mental health. I miss the feeling of running around my neighborhood. Working from home can be a dream come true for many and for me, definitely to a certain extent. But the stress that comes from not only work but life, in general, is taking over me and thoughts are flooding into my mind like a broken dam. For me, running tucks all of that away. When you run or do sports in general, there is only one thing and only one thing in your head: to push on to run or to score. Your mind takes a break from everything you are dealing with at the moment. While I am exploring other ways for me to deal with stress, I will continue to try to stay afloat in this quicksand for now.

Undoubtedly, this is an issue only the privileged would have. Everyone is privileged to a certain extent but whether we recognize it is another story by itself. But, that should not mean that the issues we are facing are not validated. Everyone is dealing with their own problems and issues which I feel that it would be unfair to compare. The problems that you might be facing may seem trivial to some, but they are important to you and so be it. The obstacles that you face in life cannot and should not be judged by others because it is your own inner battle with your own inner demons. This, by itself, is extremely personal and close to your heart. By trivializing someone else's issues destroys the person more than you might think. If you think that by telling someone that there are people out there in the world who are having it worse than you is going to help, think again.

I am guilty of saying things like "what is so hard?" and or "I don't get why is he/she so affected by it". What I am really doing is defining the truth for them. The truth to me is that it is not that hard and he/she should definitely not be affected by it but that is my truth. Not theirs. I fail to remember that they are dealing with their own inner battles with their own inner demons.

So, I don't think I should have judged all the people who were affected by the bubble tea shops closing because to them, their love for bubble tea is probably equivalent to my love for sports. For all we know, there are those who seek comfort and solace from drinking bubble tea. There are those who use bubble tea to cope with their stress.

Always a work in progress.
xoxo, Hui

A book for myself

04/12/2020 09:45 p.m.

We gave I-can't-remember-how-much to the school to hold a prom for our batch. Before the prom commenced, all of us were given a solid, eco-friendly notebook and a pen that were bought using the leftover amount of money each of us paid because the cost of prom went below the initial budget provided. That was back in 2017. And that notebook? I decided to compile lessons, quotes, poems, favourite paragraphs and/or sentences, parts of speeches said by people who inspire me. Oprah Winfrey, Taylor Swift, Rupi Kaur, Don Miguel Ruiz, just to name a few.

This book became my go-to-helpline whenever I faced obstacles, whenever I needed reminders, whenever I needed a change in perspective. Reading through it and at the same time, adding more into the collection get rids of all irrational and errant thoughts, gives me a peace of mind and most importantly, refuels me to allow me to continue to grind forward.

There were countless times I turned to this book. This book of wisdom. This book of lessons. This book of advice. I thank those people who shared their stories for the whole world to see, to hear, to learn. Without experiencing what they had experienced, I am able to learn through the accounts of what happened to them. Without experiencing the hell they went through, without experiencing the rollercoaster ride they sat through, without experiencing the darkest and seemingly endless abyss that fell into.

This is the power of communication and story-telling in this day and age. 

Vulnerabilities they bared, in hopes of saving the grace of the next generation.

I thank the-2017-me for setting my mind on compiling all of these nuggets of wisdom I came across. This book is one of my most treasured possessions. I cannot imagine living without it. It saw me through my highest and lowest. This book guided my thought processes and shaped the person I am today. I am someone who cannot settle less for myself. I am someone who would do my best in whatever I believe and support in. I am someone who is still and always will be a work in progress. 

To you, who is currently reading this right now, if you want to start becoming more independent mentally, having a book of wisdom will help. It helped me. Back then, whenever I am in the darkest place ever, it takes a lot of effort from those around me to try to pull me out. At the end of the day, it was time and myself who successfully dragged me out of my own head. It drains people around you and it drains yourself. To have a book to turn to whenever you hit a rock or a wall, it lifts you up and it serves as a constant reminder for yourself that there is hope and you can get through this. All of this.

Work hard, Stay humble.
xoxo, Hui 

Travelling around the World

04/11/2020 01:47 p.m.

I grew up watching the classic movie: Around the world in 80 days, which was what seems like an elusive dream. Travelling, by itself, was something unattainable back when I was young. Not because we could not afford it, but it was not a priority, neither was it a necessity. As I grew older, I had more and more opportunities to travel out of my abode. There was that packing my own luggage for the first time, there was that flying across the horizons for the first time, there was that being welcomed into new territory in a completely different language. But there was also that feeling as though whatever I am seeing was not real for the first time, there was that wanting to stay here forever for the first time, there was that dream to travel around the world in 80 days for the first time.

Travelling to me, became a dream, became something I want to do in the future. Amidst all the uncertainties in life, this became clearer and clearer to me that this was something I want to do certainly, for sure. 

I went to Phuket, Thailand once with my family in 2017 and again with my class in 2019. Let me just say that despite going to the same country, to the same province, but I had two completely different experiences. The trip in 2017 bonded my family, and we became closer together as we forged memories in a different land. The trip in 2019 completely blew my mind. That 5 days I had with my friends could safely be assumed to be the best 5 days I ever had in 2019. The sky, the ocean, the sand, the sun, the moon, the stars, the people, the life. IF I could hold it all in the palm of my hands all over again, I would take it all in, without a doubt. I enjoyed the unexpected peace among the passionate shoutings of hawkers in the night market. I enjoyed the serenity of the sound of waves crashing onto the white sandy beach. The rhythmic percussion of the waves hitting all so gently onto the barnacle-encrusted dead, bleached coral reefs. I enjoyed the salty kisses of the ocean as I sat near the edge of the boat while allowing the cool draught of air to comb my errant strands of hair behind, giving me an undisturbed full and wholesome view of the faraway, never-ending seamounts. Beyond all of that, I enjoyed swimming/scuba diving in the endless, watching the underwater parade and that was as far as Finding Nemo can be a reality to me. I had a whale of my time, or should I say a dolphin of my time, when the entire boat of us was blessed by the sightings of dolphins, not one, but four of them. 

These will be memories that I will hold on for a lifetime. 

Undoubtedly, this was that trip that really changed the way I think. To be able to travel is a blessing and I would deem it as a necessity because you can truly learn so much more by travelling, or if not staying for a period of time at a different country. Not everyone is able to do that, but if I can and have the opportunity to work outside my home ground, I would, a hundred per cent, take it on. 

I am not scared and I do not need to be. 

Be fearless, be bold.

Work hard, stay humble. 

Rookie for life, 

xoxo, Hui 

Strength

03/11/2020 8:54 p.m.

Meeting Mr Vincent Ng, a curator at A Good Space, was an insane, mind-warping experience. There was trust and patience built between us through the entire 3 hours we talked to each other. His journey hasn't been all that easy, he went through a lot going through JC and university but he was able to conquer it all, which was honestly, amazing.

He shared with me a lot of things, facilitated the conversation we had and the conversation within myself. He taught me things I did not know such as the different leadership styles one can adopt, and he normalized networking for 19-year-old individuals like myself. I gained confidence to reach out to people whom I really want to talk to after they have shared their stories online, as weird as it sounds, there are people who are willing to share with you their story and you just have to be Bold! Don't fear getting judged! Fear the opportunity lost if you did not choose to initiate to talk to those people who inspire you.

That night, I reached out to Faheema. I watched #SMUchangemaker, a Youtube video in which she was featured in. She is the founder of hash.peace, an organization which advocates racial and religious harmony, builds friendships transcending differences, counters extremism and most importantly curating cultural intelligence, as well as critical thinking. I really wanted to somehow and someway reach out to her but I obviously did not have the courage to do so. But after talking to Vincent, he really gave me the confidence to JUST DO IT. So, I did. I messaged her on Instagram and told her how inspired I was after watching her video. She replied to my message and even suggested to have breakfast together with a few others to share more about what hash.peace is all about! Honestly, I was just extremely shocked, at the outcome, the breakfast is not fixed yet, but I believe it is coming soon. I just can't wait what I will learn from the conversation and what I can bring to the table as well. Everything happened so fast. Exhilaration. Amazement. Overwhelmed. Hopeful.

After talking to Faheema, I clearly became more confident in reaching out to people who literally are role models to me or whose lives they are living are just so close to what I would want myself to be living in the future. I came across a podcast Youtube video featuring an NUS business graduate student: Leonard Yap. I connected to him on Instagram and I was really interested in the beliefs he held on to strongly during university and fortunately he was such a pleasant soul and he was so open to sharing with me his top three beliefs:

1) Be bold, be fearless and not let any person’s words affect what you are pursuing if you know that what you are doing is right. 

2) Be humble and try to learn as many things when you are younger. Talk to people, ask for advice and they would share more with you.

3) Tough times do not last but tough people do. Always remember that even though the problem seems big at first, it’s just temporary. The challenges may be insurmountable at that very moment. But now, in retrospect, they don't seem such a big deal after they are over and done with. It’s because tough times seems huge only when you are experiencing it at the moment.

He reminded me to stop comparing with other people around me because everyone is different! Everyone is unique! Most importantly, this one thing he told me really struck a chord with me: be ambitious but be contented too! I mean this has been something I was always struggling with since the start of I-don't-even-know-when. I always am so ambitious with what I feel I can achieve in the present and in the future, after all: dream big because if I were to shoot for the moon and I miss it, I will still be able to land among the stars. But for now, I won't settle for less, I know exactly what I am working towards and I know how to get there, the only thing missing right now is me actually doing it. I won't go all talk and no action, I am going to try my best and absorb so much from SMU that I am going to make my 15-year-old self quake. My 15-year-old self would never have imagined me even entering SMU business school or even graduating from VJC to even start off with! But I did the latter, I can definitely achieve the former too! So, for that, I am thankful for Leonard for really waking me up. Hui, quit wallowing in your own mindless thoughts, start being thankful and appreciative for everything from small to big. Things happen for a reason and you need to start becoming more contented with everything you have. You literally have everything you need in the world, you have all shelter and you have all the necessities you need to survive. Now, when you realise that you are good, start becoming more mindful about all the things around you, the loopholes in the society that you can do your part to fill up, the people around you that need help, help them. We can only rise by lifting others up.

Also, just three days ago, as International Women's Day.
This picture is literally everything. So powerful.
Happy International Women's Day.
Girls deserve equal pay. And,
Boys are allowed to cry.


xoxo, Hui

Trigger Warning

03/06/2020 4:59 p.m.

I was reading a thriller, crime, mystery book earlier today.
Dust to Dust, written by Tami Hoag.
The first chapter caught me completely off guard and I cannot even express how appalled I was by this.

"It is stunning how quickly it happens. How little time it takes to go from trouble to tragedy. Seconds. Mere seconds without air and the brain begins to shut down. No time to struggle. No time to panic even.
Like a boa constrictor choking the life from its prey, the noose tightens and tightens. It makes no difference what thoughts explode in the brain... The commands don't make it down the neural pathways to the muscles of the arms. Coordination is gone.
The sturdy rope makes a tearing sound as the weight of his body stretches it. The beam creaks.
His body turns slightly this way and that. The arms pull upward in hideous, slow-motion spasms. A macabre marionette's dance - arms moving up and down; hands twitching, twisting, bending; fingers curling. The knees try to draw upward, then straighten again. Posturing: a sign of brain damage.
The eerie contortions go on and on. The seconds stretch as the death dance continues. A minute. Two. Four. The rope and beam creak in the otherwise silent room. The eyes are open but vacant. Mouth moves in a final, futile gasp for air. The most acute, exquisite split second of life: the final heartbeat before death.
And then it is over.
At last.
The flash explodes in a brilliant burst of white light and the scene is frozen in time."

To read about how terrifyingly simple it is for life and its essence to slip through our hands as such makes me appreciate life even more. I think that every earthling brought into this world is a warrior and a fighter, just that most of us have not yet figure out how to channel the inner power we all possess to impact the world, to leave our mark.

When I have everything

02/26/2020 7:40 p.m.

I think this is how humans work:

I want something. I get something.

This continues, back and forth, not mutually exclusive and not uni-directional but bi-directional.

It can be:

I want something. I get something.
I get something. I want something.

If you take 'I want something' as stage x and 'I get something' as stage z, the process of one transitioning from stage x to stage z differs from person to person and differs from what exactly that thing is. I have come to terms with the fact that we, humans, cannot satisfy ourselves. After fulfilling a need, there comes another need. After satisfying a want, comes another want. So, if we were to use our needs and wants to define happiness, happiness becomes an extremely abstract concept, because then, technically we will never ever be able to experience happiness, even till the day, we lie in our coffins, with white flowers scattered around our deathbed.

Insatiable greed. Insatiable needs. Insatiable wants.

Before my national examinations ended, I was dearly hoping for the day it will all end and I envision myself experiencing the unfamiliar sense of freedom like my first time seeing a shooting star or my first time swimming in an open ocean. I wanted it to end so badly. I needed it to end to save my own sanity.

Then, came the day when it really ended. Um, la libertad ?

Nope, I took no break and went to work, immediately. I worked at a restaurant in the first 2.25 months of my holidays but I started thinking about how I need to find and get another job, hopefully, an internship to enrich my soul. Life at the restaurant becomes extremely repetitive and stagnant after a while, the only constant was probably the people that I meet and serve, but even then, some of them are the same. So I applied for roughly 25 open jobs that I am able to qualify for (to this date) and luckily for me, there were about 10 that got back to me. The margins are insane but c'mon, who would want to employ someone like me, with literally no actual qualifications, no diploma, no degree. Amidst of the coronavirus, I quitted working as a part-time service crew and took up my second job as an intern to learn more about the logistics, e-commerce industry and to avoid interactions with tourists. Afterall, it is better to be safe than to be sorry. Well, I mean I can get infected with the virus for all I care, but I do not want to drag my family down into this abyss with me and burden them with a virus that can realistically cost their lives. Everyone of us has a responsibility not only to account for ourselves but also to our family, whether we like it or not.

Then I realise, perhaps it is not that humans can never be satisfied. But because we need to move on, we need to advance, we need to evolve, which is why our needs and wants seem never-ending and insatiable. Happiness is a state of mind, it is not a case whether it is reachable or not. I can experience happiness even if I do not get what I want.

“Happiness is not determined by what’s happening around you, but rather what’s happening inside you. Most people depend on others to gain happiness, but the truth is, it always comes from within.” - Anonymous

For if we think that happiness and our unquenchable desire are two separate entity, that are independent of each other, then there will not be a situation where we will have to compromise either of them. So, if I keep telling myself that if I get this or that, I will experience happiness, then I can never truly experience happiness because that something becomes the variable. I will then have to continuously move from stage x to stage z to make myself happy. Happiness is overrated.

I think many people have mistaken this relationship, which is why they are unhappy.
And to them, they are telling themselves that the only way to become happier is to get this, get that, do this, do that. Hopefully, they will be at peace with themselves, sooner or later.

Meanwhile, I will continue to find peace within myself. The balance that I believe I wholeheartedly need in the long run for my sanity.


xzxzxz disclaimer: clearly i can be wrong and i think this theory that i talked about above will definitely be subjected to changes, just because i change, you, the one who is reading changes xzxzxz

Mantra'20

02/06/20 7.28 a.m.

Work Hard, Stay Humble. 

I am going to be a rookie for life, no matter how old I am. There is no such instance where you know enough because you will never be enough and never ever be ever-ready to take on the world. So, for now, baby steps are enough for me to move towards my bigger goal: To learn and to enrich. 

xoxo, Hui

Thoughts

1/2/20 2.33 a.m.
Will a new year still be a new year if my mind has not totally wrap around the idea that a new year has descended? Or maybe it will never will...

I have spent the past month (December 2018) just collecting the bits and pieces of myself that were broken from A-levels. I went back to my hometown with my family and I travelled to Phuket, Thailand with my class. These two trips have been fun and memorable, but in actuality, anything can beat the exams season.

Thailand trip was though, a life-changing experience. I felt spiritually enlightened by the views. I felt awakened when I got to swim in vast oceans, murky and clear, especially with a school of fishes. I felt free when I did not stress about my future at all in the entire five-days journey. This trip changed my life mantra. Every day from then onwards, I reminded myself to not stress about things that I cannot control at all. I am still very much a work in progress but I am helping myself to let go of things that I am so persistent or I should say stubborn in, and live more in the present moment.

I have been reading a lot of books lately, and am starting to embrace my lazy self, but I am still striving to learn something new every day. Just today, I found a new interest in construction things, from tiling to plumbing, I can see myself living in a tiny house in Sweden/New Zealand/England or one of those Nordic countries.

xoxo, Hui